Divine Appointment

Living in community with my sister for two weeks was incredible. I went there solely hoping to uplift her spirits for her birthday. It became more then that,  a divine appointment. Through my time at Azusa I turned back to God, reading my Bible, and praying more then I have in the last two months.  I prayed through my job dilemma, for Jeremy etc... I re-explored my creative roots, painting, ceramics. I experienced freedom to live my life for Christ.

If we needed something we walked to it, including friendship. College students do life together in an intense way...when I got back home to Washington I craved this community. I have great roommates, friends, and a great church family.

Contempt

I am slowly reading through a book called "Wounded Heart". Today I read about the concept of contempt for others and or self. One way self contempt is shown is by over indulging in food. Overeating can be harmful, causing a plethora of health problems. Whenever I am anxious I turn to food or other harmful things to pacify myself. I am ashamed to admit this but, I turn to almost anything before I turn to God. I usually turn to God to pick up the pieces of another broken situation.

The Star Sapphire

Just before Christmas I began struggling with many concepts. I wanted a man to love me. I've always wanted a man to love me. When I was a child I longed for my daddy to say, "I love you." He did love me, but he rarely said those words. My entire life has been spent in pursuit of gaining love from a man. I thought I had it made when I married Jeremy, and then he changed to Jerica. After Jeremy and I separated I felt empty and so confused. I thought I'd grow old with him, have babies with him etc...and now I'm 28 years old mourning the loss of someone still living. The man that Jeremy was is gone. I won't grow old with him in the ways that I once dreamed. I don't have a husband anymore. I don't have children. What is my purpose in this world? I desire to be a wife and mother. Are those God's desires for my heart? I don't know. I know that life is too painful to live without serving God's desires for my life.

This brings me back to Christmas time... My best friend, Caroline, shared this verse with me.

"Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:3

After sharing this verse, she gave me a star sapphire necklace, her favorite necklace. She didn't want to give it to me, but God prompted her. God told her that he wants to use my trials to lead many to righteousness, but right now God wants me for Himself. At the time I laughed about it. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable with God, and trust that whatever his purpose is for my life is good. Tonight, I am still scared. However, I'm discovering, as I mentioned above, that true Joy comes from living in God's blessing. Thus, even tho I'm flying around like a wisp in the wind, I am ready to let God pursue me, and to pursue Him.

The only thing that is clear to me is that God has set this time for just Him and I. He wants me to Know Him, to Know me, and the me that he means for me to be. Thus, for this year I am dedicating to this purpose.  All this means is that I'm going to stop chasing men, and chase the King in Shining Armor instead.

Anger

I keep getting angry at the people, words that are spoken into my husband's life that twist scripture...words that he sometimes agrees with. I want to scream at the words, at the people...stop speaking vomit into his life...stop hurting him, you don't know how you are hurting him. . . and how you are hurting me. STOP!!!! I know that anger is sinful...and I feel guilty over how I feel...but I am angry...God does not make mistakes.

Heartache

Last week was the hardest of my entire life so far. It is amazing how your threshhold for heartache increases as you get older and experience new hurts. I think it will only get worse before it gets better. My world is crashing around me... what I think is amazing is that in Psalms 10, maybe 11... it says that when our foundations crumble around us God is watching and he cares. God needs to be my foundation. Every other foundation will crumble, and is crumbling.

A few months ago I thought that if only I could have children....and now I feel like if only my husband .... but it needs to be thank you Lord for the life that you have breathed into me.

random thoughts

I barfed and had major diarrhea this morning from metformin. It is the first time I've been really sick on it. I forgot to take my morning dose and did not take any till 11pm...when I took two...I ate some peanuts with it...yikes! I need to remember to take it....I was having no problems even when eating unhealthy food. I don't want diarrhea and throw up again!

On another note the Psalms have mirrored my heart the last few days....reading about someone who experienced agony, and deliverance is soothing...

I want to grow old with you...

I like to wash your boxers...I like the smell of your cologne. I love to look into your beautiful brown eyes and thank God for giving me the most handsome sweetest guy on the planet to be my husband.

Right now I'm suffocating in pain. I don't understand what you are going through. I would do anything to take this suffering from you...and yet your pain causes me pain. Each day you let go a little more, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the gift God has given me. I want to grow old with you. I wish I was enough. I will do all that I can in my human self to love you and ask God for even more.

Today I did battle on my knees for you. I read the scrapbook I made for you as a wedding gift...I read the vows I wrote and made to you almost five years ago. I promised that, "for this marriage I will fight, daily on my knees in prayer, even when you can not do the same...."

I will fight for you daily. I will do battle on my knees for you. I will ask God to make me whole so that I can love you with all of my heart...cleaning, cooking, taking care of you even when I'm tired sick or hot. I know that I am not enough...but I pray that God would use me to show you He is enough. He is the only one that can fill your void.
I pray He allows me to grow old with you.