Anger

I keep getting angry at the people, words that are spoken into my husband's life that twist scripture...words that he sometimes agrees with. I want to scream at the words, at the people...stop speaking vomit into his life...stop hurting him, you don't know how you are hurting him. . . and how you are hurting me. STOP!!!! I know that anger is sinful...and I feel guilty over how I feel...but I am angry...God does not make mistakes.

Heartache

Last week was the hardest of my entire life so far. It is amazing how your threshhold for heartache increases as you get older and experience new hurts. I think it will only get worse before it gets better. My world is crashing around me... what I think is amazing is that in Psalms 10, maybe 11... it says that when our foundations crumble around us God is watching and he cares. God needs to be my foundation. Every other foundation will crumble, and is crumbling.

A few months ago I thought that if only I could have children....and now I feel like if only my husband .... but it needs to be thank you Lord for the life that you have breathed into me.

random thoughts

I barfed and had major diarrhea this morning from metformin. It is the first time I've been really sick on it. I forgot to take my morning dose and did not take any till 11pm...when I took two...I ate some peanuts with it...yikes! I need to remember to take it....I was having no problems even when eating unhealthy food. I don't want diarrhea and throw up again!

On another note the Psalms have mirrored my heart the last few days....reading about someone who experienced agony, and deliverance is soothing...

I want to grow old with you...

I like to wash your boxers...I like the smell of your cologne. I love to look into your beautiful brown eyes and thank God for giving me the most handsome sweetest guy on the planet to be my husband.

Right now I'm suffocating in pain. I don't understand what you are going through. I would do anything to take this suffering from you...and yet your pain causes me pain. Each day you let go a little more, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the gift God has given me. I want to grow old with you. I wish I was enough. I will do all that I can in my human self to love you and ask God for even more.

Today I did battle on my knees for you. I read the scrapbook I made for you as a wedding gift...I read the vows I wrote and made to you almost five years ago. I promised that, "for this marriage I will fight, daily on my knees in prayer, even when you can not do the same...."

I will fight for you daily. I will do battle on my knees for you. I will ask God to make me whole so that I can love you with all of my heart...cleaning, cooking, taking care of you even when I'm tired sick or hot. I know that I am not enough...but I pray that God would use me to show you He is enough. He is the only one that can fill your void.
I pray He allows me to grow old with you.

Is God enough?

Is God enough? If God were to allow my husband to reject me...and allow me to never have children, would God be enough? He has to be. If God is not enough then my life means nothing. He can take away everything else, but I still have Him. I don't think its fair tho...that some people have healthy happy families and right now I have so much hurt. Even if we move on from this time in our lives I will go forward with a new kind of scar on my heart, a new realization that God's love is the only permanence in our lives....and for that am I willing to give up everything else? Am I willing to live alone if that is what He asks? Am I willing to never be a mother if that is what is required of me? Am I willing to live this kind of life with joy? If my husband rejects me am I willing to pick up the pieces and continue to follow my loving savior with joy? Am I willing to trust that God knows what is best for my life even in the midst of this storm...that my God will take care of me even if my husband can not? Hebrews 13:6 "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

Hurting Inside

This is how I feel today. Infertility seems like nothing compared to what Jeremy and I are going through right now. I love Jeremy. If I could go back in time and choose anyone again. I would still choose to marry Jeremy...even knowing everything that would happen or not happen in the past almost five years. Jeremy is consumed with a hurt in his heart so big that he does not feel like God can fill it. He wants to fill the consuming hurt with something that would eventually destroy our marriage. I know Jeremy and know that he loves God with all his heart...but for some reason his hurt is so much right now. I want to be a mother, but more then that want my husband to see the amazing man I see in him. I want him to see that God is enough even to fill this great hurt in his life...and I also want to be enough of a wife for him....I want him to feel loved by me too.

Please pray for us today.

One Day at a Time

Right now we are focusing on US- Jeremy and I...growing in Christ. I am working on confidence, cleaning, cooking, and weight issues. He is working on his own struggles.

We are resting from actively trying. (taking fertility drugs, pursuing IUI/IVF) Jeremy will let me know when the right time is to actively try again.

I'm taking metformin still. I went to the doctor's office a few days ago and was given a prescription for 2,000 mg of metformin...I am to gradually increase my dose untill I reach the 2,000 mark.

Although we aren't actively trying we aren't preventing either...taking it day by day, waiting on the Lord's direction for our life. We'd love to have a surprise "free" miracle baby. Free meaning we didn't have to pay for fertility treatment...

I had a major breakdown a week ago, and Jeremy and a few good friends pointed out that having a baby appeared to them to be an idol in my life. I don't want it to be. God is really enough...everything else really is extra it is just painful to acknowledge that sometimes because I do want memories raising children with Jeremy, and grandchildren if God permits.

Monday morning my mom and I are going to Las Vegas, taking it one day at a time...enjoying the life that God has gifted us.