Another Friend

Today, Sunday, I learned that yet another of my friends is pregnant. I'm so happy for her. . . even tho my face doesn't show it right now. I broke down and cried, again!

I thought I was beyond crying at pregnancy announcements. This week God has been teaching me to be content with what I do have...to not focus on what I don't have- children. I may never be a mother...I really don't believe that. I really believe that eventually my husband and I will have children...but for now it seems like just a dream.

This week I have been so content with my husband and my dogs. I've let myself become enamored with the joy my two standard poodles have brought into my life. . . but when I read my friends beautiful news my world came crashing down around me.

I want to be the one to share that news, my own news.

I'm not getting my hopes up. We aren't trying any fertility treatments right now. We won't till I get a job. I am not using ovulation kits again until we do start treatments. I kind of know the time frame when I would ovulate if I do. "Trying" is too stressful to do day in and day out. I needed a break, especially since our chances of getting pregnant naturally are smaller then the average person. . . although not impossible.

I have a prescription of clomid in my purse to use after I get my root canal, and after the doctor figures out why I've been so tired and why my back has been hurting so much. I don't want to use it until everything is right...not that timing is ever perfect, and not that God needs a fertility drug. But 100 mg of clomid costs $50 and the doctor visit to get it costs $200...nothing really as far as fertility treatment costs...but more then we can really afford without me having a job.

Hopefully, in a few hours, I will be myself again and will go back to being joyful for what I do have, an amazing husband, beautiful dogs, a house, a car, and most of all a God that has a perfect plan for my life.

God has us do strange things.

I was reading a book for couples going through infertility.

The lady that wrote the book said.. sometimes God has us to strange things..things that don't make sense with our calling or what the desire of our heart is.

She gave the example of God telling Joshua to have the Iseralites walk around the wall of jericho 7 times to win the battle instead of the usual killing spree.

She said that sometimes God asks us to stop medical treatment even tho that doesn't make sense or continue with treatment that hasn't worked before. I need to trust him even if it doesn't make sense to me.

I've been having a hard time with this desire of mine. Every time I think about pregnancy/motherhood I cry...cry really isn't the right word. I ball/weap etc. I feel like there is a wound in my heart that will not heal.

I want God's timing for my children even if thats in forever and a day. . . He knows best...but its so hard. I feel like I am sacrificing every day for the kingdom. That's a selfish outlook I know, but it is how I feel.

It is like someone found out my sore spot and keeps picking at it and picking at it opening the wound more, egging me on. . .

Everyone BUT Me

I recently discovered a bunch of my college friends on facebook. They all had babies! Well maybe not ALL but most...and I got married before most of them... and many of them had more then one child. I'm super happy for them.

This does tho...make me feel self pity...why not me Lord...when is my turn Lord? /sigh I'm so funny I could totally be pregnant even now and just not know it. One moment at a time right?

I did read something encouraging in a book yesterday. God doesn't see you as a family when you get pregnant or have a baby. He sees you as a family when you get married...the two become one. Babies are just extra. . . but I do want that extra NOW!

3 days past ovulation

Thank you God that my body is working...that evidence of progesterone (the hormone that governs a woman's luetal phase) is definitely present. I'm three days past ovulation today and I'm super nauseous, have sore boobs, very bloated, and having random spurts of mild pelvic pain.

I praise God as these are signs that my body did in fact ovulate. I look forward to the day when these types of symptoms will be caused from pregnancy. The desire of my heart is for that to be soon, as in this cycle, but I know that whether it is or it isn't I will praise Him because he is weaving the tapestry of all of our lives, and He knows when the best time is for my children.

Two Weeks Waiting

Soo...according to fertility friend . . . if I did in fact ovulate I am scheduled to take my pregnancy test on Christmas Eve, which is exactly one year to the day we started trying to get pregnant. I don't know God's timing. I'm not going to read into anything good or bad, but I do think it would be such a wonderful Christmas Miracle to finally discover I'm pregnant on Christmas Eve and to be able to share such great news with my family on Christmas morning.

I'd be due September 2, 2009...which is very close to my birthday of September 6 1981....and that would be such a great birthday present...so if I did get pregnant this cycle I'd have a double blessing...a great Christmas Present and a great Birthday Present.

Another Miracle!!!

Soooo... I ovulated again...or at least I had a positive LH surge on the opk. I'm not tracking my temps this month so I'm not positive an egg was actually released....God is good.

This month was another non-medicated cycle. I had given up hope. I'm not sure what will happen, with pregnancy or when it will happen. No matter what I know it is in God's hands.
A few days ago I stayed up late and literally cried out to God. I prayed for a Christmas BFP (Big Fat Positive Pregnancy Test). He's in control of this and I have no doubt he has the power to do this even with me being overweight, even with my tooth pain.

I don't just want a pregnancy tho...I want a pregnancy that leads to babies that leads to me raising those babies to old age you know like 70 -90 years oldish. . .

Right now I rejoice in the gift of ovulation. This will mark the 4th time I have ovulated in the last 12 months. Blessed be the Lord.

Discouraged

I'm on cycle day 19 today...if I don't ovulate in the next few days then I'm pretty sure I'm not going to ovulate this cycle. All opks have not showed the slightest second line...or lh detection. I was hoping for an early Christmas present...but God has a perfect plan for my life and apparently getting pregnant this month is not it...

I am discouraged. I went to my lady doctor yesterday for my annual exam. He told me again that IUI was highly recomended do to our fertility issues (ovulation issues and low volume/high concentration sperm) He said that my luteal phase when I did ovulate was on the short side...but the treatment for that is clomid or another fertility drug...the good news is that I did ovulate naturally. Praise the Lord!

The problem and really why I am discouraged is that right now we can not afford iui with fertility medications and I don't think that once I finally get a job I'll be able to take off as much time from work to go to doctor visits for IUI or even clomid checks...to get the medication...

God has a perfect plan for us. I need to take this one day at a time...but its hard when the desire for children is so strong.

On a positive note I have made it through three days on weight watchers. Yeah! As difficult as it is I am focusing on getting healthier so that when I finally do get pregnant I'll be a better oven for that little one or two.