Praying about Femara

Since we are currently in a God induced break from fertility treatment I thought I'd take the time to pray about taking Femara. My gynecologist will prescribe fertility drugs to me the beginning of October. . . both he and the reproductive specialist believe we need IUI to get pregnant. Jeremy and I don't want to waste money on drugs or any procedure if it isn't what God wants for us and if it probably won't work. Will Femara work? Is it God's plan for us to concieve just using fertility drugs? What is His plan for our lives?

I don't have a job right now to pay for treatment. My doctor won't prescribe fertility drugs for at least another month. Jeremy and I are working through a major crisis in his life right now, and I am working through my eating and cleaning habits.

Knowing that today isn't the right time doesn't stop me from thinking about the future...praying about the future. Is Femara the drug for us? Do we need it? Does God want us to wait longer? Does he want us to wait until we can afford IUI? What does He want?

Please pray for God's direction with his timing for fertility treatment. Pray for God's peace with using Femara or not using it. Pray for me to utilize this time to get healthier, and work on my bad habits. Also pray for Jeremy as he works through so much hurt in his heart.

God Through Me

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life...I see everything that needs to change in my life and I freak out. I need to lose weight, clean my house, affirm my husband, keep my house clean etc... how can I change when there is so much of me to change? Why does God want to use me when I'm so broken? How can He?

Then...I pray and am reminded of the moments where God opened the door to a new job, God opened the door to Jeremy entering my life. God healed my father of cancer. God did it not me. God knows the winning lottery numbers. He buys the ticket for you and then hands it to you. . . each and every time. Our "gifts" are truly meaningless without Him.

I am learning, slowly, but still learning, that I have something to offer this world. Strike that, not me, God through me.

Yesterday depression overwhelmed me. Yesterday I wanted to be a mother. I feel like the children of my friends provides them a common ground that I do not share with any of them. I can't bring a child on a play date, birthday party, camping trip etc... I don't know what its like to give birth to a child or even adopt a child. I only know what it is like to be barren. I praise God for my husband and the gift of marriage He has given me for almost five years now. Yesterday, I was left wanting. Thinking, if only I had a child, I would fit in with my peers.

I know that God has carved this time out for Jeremy and I to work more on our oneness...to continue to heal from our life wounds. . . to love each other more. I have not taken a pregnancy test in over two months now. I have not ovulated for much longer than that. My focus has not been on having children. It was initially on surviving Jeremy's internal struggle, job loss etc...and now the focus has become on what I can do....what I am right now....how I can love my husband more and my Christ more.

It goes back to what I learned at the woman's retreat in April. What directions did God give you last? Work on that and then the rest will be added...or work on that then ask for new directions...For me that means I need to work on loving my husband from my heart and then maybe God will provide the children...but my focus can't be on children. Even when we have children our marriage needs to be the primary focus after God.

Another good nugget from the retreat was...I can't make having children an idol in my life. I can't put having children on a pedestal. If I do then when I finally have that child I'll be depressed because that child will be human. That child will not be enough. Only God is enough.

I love Barb btw! Praise God for Barb!

Change and Waiting on God's Perfect Timing

Today I am praising God I'm not pregnant...it is soooo hot outside!!! Although I think if I was I'd blow money I don't have on a cheap window ac unit.

Right now is a time of change. . . searching for the perfect job...trusting God to provide for our finances, again. I've also come to a cross roads with my house keeping skills or lack thereof. If I don't get over my issues with this and just do it even if I'm sick or tired or hot...I may never have kids. . . I need to love my husband. I need to work on the last thing God told me to do when I asked for guidance....seek first the kingdom of God and the rest shall be added.... like babies... and a job...etc...

This season of baby showers and pregnancy announcements has been filled with so much grace. Since God's timing isn't today for us I believe that He put so many road blockers in our journey to parenthood that the only conceivable way I'd be pregnant is if he literally zapped a baby into my tummy... my body isn't working quite right, our finances are just not there while I look for work. . . we are going through counseling for various reasons. Knowing that this second isn't the right time makes it easier to go to baby shower after baby shower or see my friend's tummy's get bigger and bigger... The Lord knows what he is doing. He has a perfect plan for our family... sometimes I wish I knew what it was...but then other times I think I'd go crazy with worry if I knew all the trials that would come in my life.

Metformin and other things

Metformin has reduced my appetite significantly. The first day I felt so sick I could barely eat anything. Luckily I have been feeling better since the first day. One day at a time.

Metformin Begins

After my laparscopy I had a dream that I took metformin and it was really helpful. At this point I can't remember any details. I just remember it was a good dream. Well...that dream may become a reality because today a doctor prescribed me metformin. I am going to take 500mg to start out...and each month progressively move up to the maxium dose. Since metformin can make you super sick I am also attempting to eat a low glycemic index diet. (hehe) I actually bought fish this week! I didn't use any coupons :( since I mostly purchased produce.

Ooooh and I actually ate shrimp today. I abhore seafood, but I am trying to be healthy.

I'm not sure what God timing is for our children, but I am excited to try something new.

Red at Last

So...after ten days on provera and a few days after Aunt Flo came to visit...red at last. It seems kind of silly to be excited about having a period, but I am. It has been over 80 days since I had my last period. I am grateful for a fresh start. I still have to wait until October to start fertility meds again due to the vaccine...and that is if I have a new job to pay for it.

I sent my primary care doctor an online message about metformin, a medication taken by women with PCOS to help restore ovulation, lose weight etc...we will see what he says. He has previously been opposed to giving it to me since I do not have insulin resistance.

Right now Jeremy and I are going to counseling for various issues. Please pray for my husband to be able to sort through his hurts and confusion in his heart right now. Please pray for me to love him through this time. Also pray for me to be able to finally start being a good house keeper. I need to love my husband in this way, but for some reason I have an un-natural aversion to cleaning the house. I know noone likes it, but I seem to run further then most to not do it.

God has a plan. He knew that Jeremy and I would be going through some valleys right now and that it would be best for us to just have Him and each other right now. I am grateful for the peace of being childless, but I also look forward to the day when we hold our own children in our arms for the first time and every time after that. Pray for Jeremy and I as we go through counseling for some difficult issues. Pray that God grows us closer to him through this time. . . and continue to pray for God's blessing of children for us in his perfect time.

Another day...without a baby

Another day...weeping womb, longing for someone just out of my grasp, tiny fingers and toes... memories. I'm taking progesterone (provera) to induce my period...having PCOS is getting to me today. I know that despite this setback that my Lord will provide...I just pray it is sooner then later.