Is God enough?

Is God enough? If God were to allow my husband to reject me...and allow me to never have children, would God be enough? He has to be. If God is not enough then my life means nothing. He can take away everything else, but I still have Him. I don't think its fair tho...that some people have healthy happy families and right now I have so much hurt. Even if we move on from this time in our lives I will go forward with a new kind of scar on my heart, a new realization that God's love is the only permanence in our lives....and for that am I willing to give up everything else? Am I willing to live alone if that is what He asks? Am I willing to never be a mother if that is what is required of me? Am I willing to live this kind of life with joy? If my husband rejects me am I willing to pick up the pieces and continue to follow my loving savior with joy? Am I willing to trust that God knows what is best for my life even in the midst of this storm...that my God will take care of me even if my husband can not? Hebrews 13:6 "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

Hurting Inside

This is how I feel today. Infertility seems like nothing compared to what Jeremy and I are going through right now. I love Jeremy. If I could go back in time and choose anyone again. I would still choose to marry Jeremy...even knowing everything that would happen or not happen in the past almost five years. Jeremy is consumed with a hurt in his heart so big that he does not feel like God can fill it. He wants to fill the consuming hurt with something that would eventually destroy our marriage. I know Jeremy and know that he loves God with all his heart...but for some reason his hurt is so much right now. I want to be a mother, but more then that want my husband to see the amazing man I see in him. I want him to see that God is enough even to fill this great hurt in his life...and I also want to be enough of a wife for him....I want him to feel loved by me too.

Please pray for us today.

One Day at a Time

Right now we are focusing on US- Jeremy and I...growing in Christ. I am working on confidence, cleaning, cooking, and weight issues. He is working on his own struggles.

We are resting from actively trying. (taking fertility drugs, pursuing IUI/IVF) Jeremy will let me know when the right time is to actively try again.

I'm taking metformin still. I went to the doctor's office a few days ago and was given a prescription for 2,000 mg of metformin...I am to gradually increase my dose untill I reach the 2,000 mark.

Although we aren't actively trying we aren't preventing either...taking it day by day, waiting on the Lord's direction for our life. We'd love to have a surprise "free" miracle baby. Free meaning we didn't have to pay for fertility treatment...

I had a major breakdown a week ago, and Jeremy and a few good friends pointed out that having a baby appeared to them to be an idol in my life. I don't want it to be. God is really enough...everything else really is extra it is just painful to acknowledge that sometimes because I do want memories raising children with Jeremy, and grandchildren if God permits.

Monday morning my mom and I are going to Las Vegas, taking it one day at a time...enjoying the life that God has gifted us.

Praying about Femara

Since we are currently in a God induced break from fertility treatment I thought I'd take the time to pray about taking Femara. My gynecologist will prescribe fertility drugs to me the beginning of October. . . both he and the reproductive specialist believe we need IUI to get pregnant. Jeremy and I don't want to waste money on drugs or any procedure if it isn't what God wants for us and if it probably won't work. Will Femara work? Is it God's plan for us to concieve just using fertility drugs? What is His plan for our lives?

I don't have a job right now to pay for treatment. My doctor won't prescribe fertility drugs for at least another month. Jeremy and I are working through a major crisis in his life right now, and I am working through my eating and cleaning habits.

Knowing that today isn't the right time doesn't stop me from thinking about the future...praying about the future. Is Femara the drug for us? Do we need it? Does God want us to wait longer? Does he want us to wait until we can afford IUI? What does He want?

Please pray for God's direction with his timing for fertility treatment. Pray for God's peace with using Femara or not using it. Pray for me to utilize this time to get healthier, and work on my bad habits. Also pray for Jeremy as he works through so much hurt in his heart.

God Through Me

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life...I see everything that needs to change in my life and I freak out. I need to lose weight, clean my house, affirm my husband, keep my house clean etc... how can I change when there is so much of me to change? Why does God want to use me when I'm so broken? How can He?

Then...I pray and am reminded of the moments where God opened the door to a new job, God opened the door to Jeremy entering my life. God healed my father of cancer. God did it not me. God knows the winning lottery numbers. He buys the ticket for you and then hands it to you. . . each and every time. Our "gifts" are truly meaningless without Him.

I am learning, slowly, but still learning, that I have something to offer this world. Strike that, not me, God through me.

Yesterday depression overwhelmed me. Yesterday I wanted to be a mother. I feel like the children of my friends provides them a common ground that I do not share with any of them. I can't bring a child on a play date, birthday party, camping trip etc... I don't know what its like to give birth to a child or even adopt a child. I only know what it is like to be barren. I praise God for my husband and the gift of marriage He has given me for almost five years now. Yesterday, I was left wanting. Thinking, if only I had a child, I would fit in with my peers.

I know that God has carved this time out for Jeremy and I to work more on our oneness...to continue to heal from our life wounds. . . to love each other more. I have not taken a pregnancy test in over two months now. I have not ovulated for much longer than that. My focus has not been on having children. It was initially on surviving Jeremy's internal struggle, job loss etc...and now the focus has become on what I can do....what I am right now....how I can love my husband more and my Christ more.

It goes back to what I learned at the woman's retreat in April. What directions did God give you last? Work on that and then the rest will be added...or work on that then ask for new directions...For me that means I need to work on loving my husband from my heart and then maybe God will provide the children...but my focus can't be on children. Even when we have children our marriage needs to be the primary focus after God.

Another good nugget from the retreat was...I can't make having children an idol in my life. I can't put having children on a pedestal. If I do then when I finally have that child I'll be depressed because that child will be human. That child will not be enough. Only God is enough.

I love Barb btw! Praise God for Barb!

Change and Waiting on God's Perfect Timing

Today I am praising God I'm not pregnant...it is soooo hot outside!!! Although I think if I was I'd blow money I don't have on a cheap window ac unit.

Right now is a time of change. . . searching for the perfect job...trusting God to provide for our finances, again. I've also come to a cross roads with my house keeping skills or lack thereof. If I don't get over my issues with this and just do it even if I'm sick or tired or hot...I may never have kids. . . I need to love my husband. I need to work on the last thing God told me to do when I asked for guidance....seek first the kingdom of God and the rest shall be added.... like babies... and a job...etc...

This season of baby showers and pregnancy announcements has been filled with so much grace. Since God's timing isn't today for us I believe that He put so many road blockers in our journey to parenthood that the only conceivable way I'd be pregnant is if he literally zapped a baby into my tummy... my body isn't working quite right, our finances are just not there while I look for work. . . we are going through counseling for various reasons. Knowing that this second isn't the right time makes it easier to go to baby shower after baby shower or see my friend's tummy's get bigger and bigger... The Lord knows what he is doing. He has a perfect plan for our family... sometimes I wish I knew what it was...but then other times I think I'd go crazy with worry if I knew all the trials that would come in my life.

Metformin and other things

Metformin has reduced my appetite significantly. The first day I felt so sick I could barely eat anything. Luckily I have been feeling better since the first day. One day at a time.