Divine Appointment

Living in community with my sister for two weeks was incredible. I went there solely hoping to uplift her spirits for her birthday. It became more then that,  a divine appointment. Through my time at Azusa I turned back to God, reading my Bible, and praying more then I have in the last two months.  I prayed through my job dilemma, for Jeremy etc... I re-explored my creative roots, painting, ceramics. I experienced freedom to live my life for Christ.

If we needed something we walked to it, including friendship. College students do life together in an intense way...when I got back home to Washington I craved this community. I have great roommates, friends, and a great church family.

Contempt

I am slowly reading through a book called "Wounded Heart". Today I read about the concept of contempt for others and or self. One way self contempt is shown is by over indulging in food. Overeating can be harmful, causing a plethora of health problems. Whenever I am anxious I turn to food or other harmful things to pacify myself. I am ashamed to admit this but, I turn to almost anything before I turn to God. I usually turn to God to pick up the pieces of another broken situation.

The Star Sapphire

Just before Christmas I began struggling with many concepts. I wanted a man to love me. I've always wanted a man to love me. When I was a child I longed for my daddy to say, "I love you." He did love me, but he rarely said those words. My entire life has been spent in pursuit of gaining love from a man. I thought I had it made when I married Jeremy, and then he changed to Jerica. After Jeremy and I separated I felt empty and so confused. I thought I'd grow old with him, have babies with him etc...and now I'm 28 years old mourning the loss of someone still living. The man that Jeremy was is gone. I won't grow old with him in the ways that I once dreamed. I don't have a husband anymore. I don't have children. What is my purpose in this world? I desire to be a wife and mother. Are those God's desires for my heart? I don't know. I know that life is too painful to live without serving God's desires for my life.

This brings me back to Christmas time... My best friend, Caroline, shared this verse with me.

"Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:3

After sharing this verse, she gave me a star sapphire necklace, her favorite necklace. She didn't want to give it to me, but God prompted her. God told her that he wants to use my trials to lead many to righteousness, but right now God wants me for Himself. At the time I laughed about it. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable with God, and trust that whatever his purpose is for my life is good. Tonight, I am still scared. However, I'm discovering, as I mentioned above, that true Joy comes from living in God's blessing. Thus, even tho I'm flying around like a wisp in the wind, I am ready to let God pursue me, and to pursue Him.

The only thing that is clear to me is that God has set this time for just Him and I. He wants me to Know Him, to Know me, and the me that he means for me to be. Thus, for this year I am dedicating to this purpose.  All this means is that I'm going to stop chasing men, and chase the King in Shining Armor instead.

Anger

I keep getting angry at the people, words that are spoken into my husband's life that twist scripture...words that he sometimes agrees with. I want to scream at the words, at the people...stop speaking vomit into his life...stop hurting him, you don't know how you are hurting him. . . and how you are hurting me. STOP!!!! I know that anger is sinful...and I feel guilty over how I feel...but I am angry...God does not make mistakes.

Heartache

Last week was the hardest of my entire life so far. It is amazing how your threshhold for heartache increases as you get older and experience new hurts. I think it will only get worse before it gets better. My world is crashing around me... what I think is amazing is that in Psalms 10, maybe 11... it says that when our foundations crumble around us God is watching and he cares. God needs to be my foundation. Every other foundation will crumble, and is crumbling.

A few months ago I thought that if only I could have children....and now I feel like if only my husband .... but it needs to be thank you Lord for the life that you have breathed into me.

random thoughts

I barfed and had major diarrhea this morning from metformin. It is the first time I've been really sick on it. I forgot to take my morning dose and did not take any till 11pm...when I took two...I ate some peanuts with it...yikes! I need to remember to take it....I was having no problems even when eating unhealthy food. I don't want diarrhea and throw up again!

On another note the Psalms have mirrored my heart the last few days....reading about someone who experienced agony, and deliverance is soothing...

I want to grow old with you...

I like to wash your boxers...I like the smell of your cologne. I love to look into your beautiful brown eyes and thank God for giving me the most handsome sweetest guy on the planet to be my husband.

Right now I'm suffocating in pain. I don't understand what you are going through. I would do anything to take this suffering from you...and yet your pain causes me pain. Each day you let go a little more, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the gift God has given me. I want to grow old with you. I wish I was enough. I will do all that I can in my human self to love you and ask God for even more.

Today I did battle on my knees for you. I read the scrapbook I made for you as a wedding gift...I read the vows I wrote and made to you almost five years ago. I promised that, "for this marriage I will fight, daily on my knees in prayer, even when you can not do the same...."

I will fight for you daily. I will do battle on my knees for you. I will ask God to make me whole so that I can love you with all of my heart...cleaning, cooking, taking care of you even when I'm tired sick or hot. I know that I am not enough...but I pray that God would use me to show you He is enough. He is the only one that can fill your void.
I pray He allows me to grow old with you.

Is God enough?

Is God enough? If God were to allow my husband to reject me...and allow me to never have children, would God be enough? He has to be. If God is not enough then my life means nothing. He can take away everything else, but I still have Him. I don't think its fair tho...that some people have healthy happy families and right now I have so much hurt. Even if we move on from this time in our lives I will go forward with a new kind of scar on my heart, a new realization that God's love is the only permanence in our lives....and for that am I willing to give up everything else? Am I willing to live alone if that is what He asks? Am I willing to never be a mother if that is what is required of me? Am I willing to live this kind of life with joy? If my husband rejects me am I willing to pick up the pieces and continue to follow my loving savior with joy? Am I willing to trust that God knows what is best for my life even in the midst of this storm...that my God will take care of me even if my husband can not? Hebrews 13:6 "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

Hurting Inside

This is how I feel today. Infertility seems like nothing compared to what Jeremy and I are going through right now. I love Jeremy. If I could go back in time and choose anyone again. I would still choose to marry Jeremy...even knowing everything that would happen or not happen in the past almost five years. Jeremy is consumed with a hurt in his heart so big that he does not feel like God can fill it. He wants to fill the consuming hurt with something that would eventually destroy our marriage. I know Jeremy and know that he loves God with all his heart...but for some reason his hurt is so much right now. I want to be a mother, but more then that want my husband to see the amazing man I see in him. I want him to see that God is enough even to fill this great hurt in his life...and I also want to be enough of a wife for him....I want him to feel loved by me too.

Please pray for us today.

One Day at a Time

Right now we are focusing on US- Jeremy and I...growing in Christ. I am working on confidence, cleaning, cooking, and weight issues. He is working on his own struggles.

We are resting from actively trying. (taking fertility drugs, pursuing IUI/IVF) Jeremy will let me know when the right time is to actively try again.

I'm taking metformin still. I went to the doctor's office a few days ago and was given a prescription for 2,000 mg of metformin...I am to gradually increase my dose untill I reach the 2,000 mark.

Although we aren't actively trying we aren't preventing either...taking it day by day, waiting on the Lord's direction for our life. We'd love to have a surprise "free" miracle baby. Free meaning we didn't have to pay for fertility treatment...

I had a major breakdown a week ago, and Jeremy and a few good friends pointed out that having a baby appeared to them to be an idol in my life. I don't want it to be. God is really enough...everything else really is extra it is just painful to acknowledge that sometimes because I do want memories raising children with Jeremy, and grandchildren if God permits.

Monday morning my mom and I are going to Las Vegas, taking it one day at a time...enjoying the life that God has gifted us.

Praying about Femara

Since we are currently in a God induced break from fertility treatment I thought I'd take the time to pray about taking Femara. My gynecologist will prescribe fertility drugs to me the beginning of October. . . both he and the reproductive specialist believe we need IUI to get pregnant. Jeremy and I don't want to waste money on drugs or any procedure if it isn't what God wants for us and if it probably won't work. Will Femara work? Is it God's plan for us to concieve just using fertility drugs? What is His plan for our lives?

I don't have a job right now to pay for treatment. My doctor won't prescribe fertility drugs for at least another month. Jeremy and I are working through a major crisis in his life right now, and I am working through my eating and cleaning habits.

Knowing that today isn't the right time doesn't stop me from thinking about the future...praying about the future. Is Femara the drug for us? Do we need it? Does God want us to wait longer? Does he want us to wait until we can afford IUI? What does He want?

Please pray for God's direction with his timing for fertility treatment. Pray for God's peace with using Femara or not using it. Pray for me to utilize this time to get healthier, and work on my bad habits. Also pray for Jeremy as he works through so much hurt in his heart.

God Through Me

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life...I see everything that needs to change in my life and I freak out. I need to lose weight, clean my house, affirm my husband, keep my house clean etc... how can I change when there is so much of me to change? Why does God want to use me when I'm so broken? How can He?

Then...I pray and am reminded of the moments where God opened the door to a new job, God opened the door to Jeremy entering my life. God healed my father of cancer. God did it not me. God knows the winning lottery numbers. He buys the ticket for you and then hands it to you. . . each and every time. Our "gifts" are truly meaningless without Him.

I am learning, slowly, but still learning, that I have something to offer this world. Strike that, not me, God through me.

Yesterday depression overwhelmed me. Yesterday I wanted to be a mother. I feel like the children of my friends provides them a common ground that I do not share with any of them. I can't bring a child on a play date, birthday party, camping trip etc... I don't know what its like to give birth to a child or even adopt a child. I only know what it is like to be barren. I praise God for my husband and the gift of marriage He has given me for almost five years now. Yesterday, I was left wanting. Thinking, if only I had a child, I would fit in with my peers.

I know that God has carved this time out for Jeremy and I to work more on our oneness...to continue to heal from our life wounds. . . to love each other more. I have not taken a pregnancy test in over two months now. I have not ovulated for much longer than that. My focus has not been on having children. It was initially on surviving Jeremy's internal struggle, job loss etc...and now the focus has become on what I can do....what I am right now....how I can love my husband more and my Christ more.

It goes back to what I learned at the woman's retreat in April. What directions did God give you last? Work on that and then the rest will be added...or work on that then ask for new directions...For me that means I need to work on loving my husband from my heart and then maybe God will provide the children...but my focus can't be on children. Even when we have children our marriage needs to be the primary focus after God.

Another good nugget from the retreat was...I can't make having children an idol in my life. I can't put having children on a pedestal. If I do then when I finally have that child I'll be depressed because that child will be human. That child will not be enough. Only God is enough.

I love Barb btw! Praise God for Barb!

Change and Waiting on God's Perfect Timing

Today I am praising God I'm not pregnant...it is soooo hot outside!!! Although I think if I was I'd blow money I don't have on a cheap window ac unit.

Right now is a time of change. . . searching for the perfect job...trusting God to provide for our finances, again. I've also come to a cross roads with my house keeping skills or lack thereof. If I don't get over my issues with this and just do it even if I'm sick or tired or hot...I may never have kids. . . I need to love my husband. I need to work on the last thing God told me to do when I asked for guidance....seek first the kingdom of God and the rest shall be added.... like babies... and a job...etc...

This season of baby showers and pregnancy announcements has been filled with so much grace. Since God's timing isn't today for us I believe that He put so many road blockers in our journey to parenthood that the only conceivable way I'd be pregnant is if he literally zapped a baby into my tummy... my body isn't working quite right, our finances are just not there while I look for work. . . we are going through counseling for various reasons. Knowing that this second isn't the right time makes it easier to go to baby shower after baby shower or see my friend's tummy's get bigger and bigger... The Lord knows what he is doing. He has a perfect plan for our family... sometimes I wish I knew what it was...but then other times I think I'd go crazy with worry if I knew all the trials that would come in my life.

Metformin and other things

Metformin has reduced my appetite significantly. The first day I felt so sick I could barely eat anything. Luckily I have been feeling better since the first day. One day at a time.

Metformin Begins

After my laparscopy I had a dream that I took metformin and it was really helpful. At this point I can't remember any details. I just remember it was a good dream. Well...that dream may become a reality because today a doctor prescribed me metformin. I am going to take 500mg to start out...and each month progressively move up to the maxium dose. Since metformin can make you super sick I am also attempting to eat a low glycemic index diet. (hehe) I actually bought fish this week! I didn't use any coupons :( since I mostly purchased produce.

Ooooh and I actually ate shrimp today. I abhore seafood, but I am trying to be healthy.

I'm not sure what God timing is for our children, but I am excited to try something new.

Red at Last

So...after ten days on provera and a few days after Aunt Flo came to visit...red at last. It seems kind of silly to be excited about having a period, but I am. It has been over 80 days since I had my last period. I am grateful for a fresh start. I still have to wait until October to start fertility meds again due to the vaccine...and that is if I have a new job to pay for it.

I sent my primary care doctor an online message about metformin, a medication taken by women with PCOS to help restore ovulation, lose weight etc...we will see what he says. He has previously been opposed to giving it to me since I do not have insulin resistance.

Right now Jeremy and I are going to counseling for various issues. Please pray for my husband to be able to sort through his hurts and confusion in his heart right now. Please pray for me to love him through this time. Also pray for me to be able to finally start being a good house keeper. I need to love my husband in this way, but for some reason I have an un-natural aversion to cleaning the house. I know noone likes it, but I seem to run further then most to not do it.

God has a plan. He knew that Jeremy and I would be going through some valleys right now and that it would be best for us to just have Him and each other right now. I am grateful for the peace of being childless, but I also look forward to the day when we hold our own children in our arms for the first time and every time after that. Pray for Jeremy and I as we go through counseling for some difficult issues. Pray that God grows us closer to him through this time. . . and continue to pray for God's blessing of children for us in his perfect time.

Another day...without a baby

Another day...weeping womb, longing for someone just out of my grasp, tiny fingers and toes... memories. I'm taking progesterone (provera) to induce my period...having PCOS is getting to me today. I know that despite this setback that my Lord will provide...I just pray it is sooner then later.

Happy 4th

Happy 4th of July...
Many of you don't know that the 4th of July is my second favorite holiday after Christmas. I love the fun, food, friends, family and fireworks. I still remember my grand mother putting two giant sparkles in the air in a V shape singing Victory in Jesus... I love my grandma B.

This year we celebrated the 4th with our community group at Kristian and Bina's place. It was a really fun day. We played games, ate great food. At one point everyone was shaming each other. Bina proposed everyone go around in a group and share what they most appreciated about their spouse. What a great idea! Jeremy is tender and compassionate. Even when I am at my worst he sees the beauty in me and helps me to see it in myself.

This aside...I still need to walk my dogs and eat healthy. I am not any closer to finishing my PCOS books and starting the PCOS diet...maybe by next time I post :)

Below are some highlights of the day.

MMR VACCINE

Thursday was an emotional day for many reasons. Friday marked the deadline for many faucets of the case I am working on as a contractor. I also met with my gyno for a post operative exam. Everything is healing nicely. He showed me pictures of my insides. We talked briefly about PCOS, taking Femara and Metformin. He thinks that taking Metformin would be beneficial even tho I do not have documented insulin resistance. This is over his head tho and I will need to talk to the endocrinlogist about actually getting a prescribtion. We talked briefly about Femara. Femara is a drug prescribed to breast cancer patients and post-menopausal women. It has recently been used to induce ovulation. It has less side effects of clomid. My doctor was willing to prescribe this even tho he has never prescribed it before, since we don't have insurance to use the RE.

Then he remembered that I needed the measles vaccine. BOO!!
Thus...I was poked with the measles mumps rubella vaccine. I was fully vaccinated as a child, but the MMR antibody wore off. When I went to the reproductive specialist in May she ordered a series of tests, one of which was to check for the MMR anti-body. Mine was negative!!!! A nurse in Everett administered the shot. She made me take ANOTHER negative pregnancy test. The needle poke didn't really hurt, but the vaccine itself stung very much.

Now my gyno wants me to wait 3 months before actively trying to get pregnant since the MMR is a live vaccine.

Flabbergasted

God is amazing...today things were stressful at the office and yet God gave me so much joy...and peace.

I am flabbergasted at how one moment the world comes crashing down around you, the tears fall, life hurts so much, you are picking up the pieces of your hearts shattered glass and in the next moment God allows your spirits to soar to the mountain tops. You never know what the next moment will bring tears or laughter...all you know is this moment. All you are guaranteed is this moment. Embrace this moment...

As to surgery recovery, today is one week since my surgery. My stomach has felt better the last two days. I can bend down without much pain. I lifted a 20 lb box today without much pain.

I received a message from my doctor today saying that I need to get re-vaccinated for Measles/Mumps/Rubella since my body no longer has the anti-body. After getting the shot we have to wait three months to try to conceive. My post operative appointment is on June 25. If I get the vaccine then I wouldn't be able to try to get pregnant until September 25. In the scheme of things three months is nothing, but it is another delay.

Jeremy is more focused on me getting a new job. I would like one too, but I'd also like some kids! (yesterday ;)