nausea

6 days past ovulation today. After I left Abbey's I started feeling very nauseous and lightheaded. I'm going to bed early tonight. I would love for this to be a "good" sign, but it is still to early to tell, and I've had lots of "symptoms" before without being pregnant. I am confident that when God wants me to be pregnant it will happen. He has the power to move mountains...we just have to ask with the right heart. I am praying for a child so I can love it and nurture him/her to love the Lord...I've been praying for twins, but I'll be happy with just one healthy one too.

5 days past ovulation

Today is five days past ovulation. Nine more days before my period is due. . .Today I had five or six uterine contractions...very short in duration, maybe a second or two...very sharp. Jeremy said you shouldn't have contractions without being pregnant. I called the doctor and the nurse said this was normal. I hate when pain is normal. . . but I suppose it would be worse if it was not.

Two Weeks Waiting, again.

This cycle is fourteen months of trying..fourteen months of waiting....fourteen months of hopes deferred and deferred and deferred. Jeremy says I'm not patient, enough...and maybe I'm not...I seem to be ok most of the time, but at random moments or the end of a failed cycle I get sad.

I am currently in this cycle's two weeks waiting. . . 4 days past ovulation.... Praise God I ovulated again. We had sex around the right times...I laid on my back for at least twenty minutes afterwords...but then we've done everything humanly possible before and still remain barren...

Right now everything hurts...my boobs hurt, my back hurts, my ovaries hurt, my female organs hurt...

The worst thing about two weeks waiting is the possibility you could be pregnant, and the fear that you are not pregnant yet another cycle. . . and if you are pregnant you want to avoid certain activities...and you wish you knew one way or the other so you could engage in those activities...like having a glass of wine.

Wheat Germ

New this cycle is whet germ softgel tablets. My grandmother sent them to me. She tried for five years to get pregnant with her first child. A friend of hers recommended wheat germ, and after the first cycle of taking it she was pregnant with my Uncle Larry.

I am not sure how wheat germ is supposed to affect fertility. I have not found anything online addressing wheat germ and fertility. However, I have noticed this cycle that I have had much more cervical fluid since taking it.

I don't know if the increased fluid is from the wheatgerm or that God is using it to increase my fluid...

It is strange too, since I am on clomid this cycle, and in past months clomid has dried me up more then usual. Maybe...the vitamin E in wheat germ helps to increase a women's fluid? This would be an interesting science project if I was in to science.

Even if it didn't affect my fertility, I would recommend wheat germ for the added health benefits.

Hurt by Joy

I am a sick person...I am a person who impulsively cries on hearing a pregnancy announcement. This is news that generally normal human people are happy over. . . and I am. I love babies...

Yet like clockwork each time I hear another pregnancy announcement I cry. I can't help it. It triggers an ache deep within my soul. It crushes my spirit. . . like a kick below the belt. I can't prepare for it.

I have a bandaid covering the hurt most of the time. . . a pregnancy announcement, baby shower, baby like words/news, re-open the wound.

I want so much for it to be my turn to share the "Big News". I want to be pregnant. I want to be the ONE with a beautiful human life or two growing inside of me. Then my mom reminds me that someday, when I am able to share my own news of pregnancy...my news will bring the same pain that others joy brings me now.

Lord Jehovah, please help my first reaction to pregnancy in others to be joy and not sorrow. Help me to be able to look beyond myself and share the joy of my friends and family. Help me to be a blessing to others in ways I would not be if I were a mother myself. Help me to show my husband that I love him even if we never have our own children. Help us both together to love you with all of our hearts. Amen.

Bubble Baths

This is the first "two weeks waiting" I've ever had, that doesn't seem to be slowly crawling by.

I have been in so much pain the last few days my focus has been on NOT being in pain anymore. I usually avoid anything a pregnant women should avoid during my two weeks waiting period. . . including bubble baths. However, my pain the last few days has been so great I had a bath twice. I might even have one tonight. I know the heat can potentially jeopardize a growing baby...but I have not been pregnant in over a year of trying...and if I never get pregnant I can't indefinitely live two weeks a cycle not taking baths, pain killers, drinking caffeine, not eating blue cheese dressing, lunch meat etc... There has to be some balance.

I think ordinarily I'll adhere to my strict two weeks waiting policy...but when taking a bubble bath relieves so much pain, and I'm not sure whether I am pregnant or not...I am going to henceforth take a bubble bath.

Another Friend

Today, Sunday, I learned that yet another of my friends is pregnant. I'm so happy for her. . . even tho my face doesn't show it right now. I broke down and cried, again!

I thought I was beyond crying at pregnancy announcements. This week God has been teaching me to be content with what I do have...to not focus on what I don't have- children. I may never be a mother...I really don't believe that. I really believe that eventually my husband and I will have children...but for now it seems like just a dream.

This week I have been so content with my husband and my dogs. I've let myself become enamored with the joy my two standard poodles have brought into my life. . . but when I read my friends beautiful news my world came crashing down around me.

I want to be the one to share that news, my own news.

I'm not getting my hopes up. We aren't trying any fertility treatments right now. We won't till I get a job. I am not using ovulation kits again until we do start treatments. I kind of know the time frame when I would ovulate if I do. "Trying" is too stressful to do day in and day out. I needed a break, especially since our chances of getting pregnant naturally are smaller then the average person. . . although not impossible.

I have a prescription of clomid in my purse to use after I get my root canal, and after the doctor figures out why I've been so tired and why my back has been hurting so much. I don't want to use it until everything is right...not that timing is ever perfect, and not that God needs a fertility drug. But 100 mg of clomid costs $50 and the doctor visit to get it costs $200...nothing really as far as fertility treatment costs...but more then we can really afford without me having a job.

Hopefully, in a few hours, I will be myself again and will go back to being joyful for what I do have, an amazing husband, beautiful dogs, a house, a car, and most of all a God that has a perfect plan for my life.