Waivering Faith

Symptoms, lack of symptoms, 14 months of failed cycles...discouraged..

On the way home from my parents home in Puyallup last night I cried out to God.

We've been trying and trying with no end in sight. Jeremy does not want to adopt until we exhaust all possible fertility options , including IUI and IVF. My doctor believes that we need to do something else, IUI or IVF unless God does a major miracle in our life....

I'm unemployed...we are struggling to pay our regular bills let alone save for treatment even the minimal amount for treatment.

I believe my God is very BIG and can do anything....but I read horrible stories about women that have multiple still births...multiple miscarriages, never have children biological or adopted...Who am I to say that I deserve better then what these women have recieved?

I want to be a mother so very much, but sometimes, days like today it is difficult to see past the struggle...see past the unknown and trust that my God wants to take care of my needs. . . my need of becoming a mother.

I'm becoming the crazy dog person that treats her dogs like kids... If I had a job I'd probaly stick my dogs in daycare. I love my dogs...I compare them to peoples kids...and they aren't kids...but they are the closest thing I have to kids.

I don't understand why some people have children and some people don't...some people have terrible struggles and others don't. I hate the sin that makes our world imperfect.

I hate having pregnancy like symptoms every cycle...because of the changing hormones and then not being pregnant....being nauseous, sick,tired etc...would be nothing if I had the promise of a baby in 9ish months... but being nauseous, sick and tired and not knowing whether you are pregnant is no fun.

Please pray for me today to find joy in the Lord and trust in His incredible will for my life whether I am pregnant this cycle ...in the future...or even if God doesn't want children for us.

I don't want to keep feeling like my life won't start untill I become a mother. . . God has a plan for me now that till this point has not included my own children...hopefully soon it does...but I want to not be consumed by the what ifs and focus on today, right now what God has already blessed me with...Why is it so difficult to do this?

and why is it so difficult to believe that God wants to bless me?