Waivering Faith

Symptoms, lack of symptoms, 14 months of failed cycles...discouraged..

On the way home from my parents home in Puyallup last night I cried out to God.

We've been trying and trying with no end in sight. Jeremy does not want to adopt until we exhaust all possible fertility options , including IUI and IVF. My doctor believes that we need to do something else, IUI or IVF unless God does a major miracle in our life....

I'm unemployed...we are struggling to pay our regular bills let alone save for treatment even the minimal amount for treatment.

I believe my God is very BIG and can do anything....but I read horrible stories about women that have multiple still births...multiple miscarriages, never have children biological or adopted...Who am I to say that I deserve better then what these women have recieved?

I want to be a mother so very much, but sometimes, days like today it is difficult to see past the struggle...see past the unknown and trust that my God wants to take care of my needs. . . my need of becoming a mother.

I'm becoming the crazy dog person that treats her dogs like kids... If I had a job I'd probaly stick my dogs in daycare. I love my dogs...I compare them to peoples kids...and they aren't kids...but they are the closest thing I have to kids.

I don't understand why some people have children and some people don't...some people have terrible struggles and others don't. I hate the sin that makes our world imperfect.

I hate having pregnancy like symptoms every cycle...because of the changing hormones and then not being pregnant....being nauseous, sick,tired etc...would be nothing if I had the promise of a baby in 9ish months... but being nauseous, sick and tired and not knowing whether you are pregnant is no fun.

Please pray for me today to find joy in the Lord and trust in His incredible will for my life whether I am pregnant this cycle ...in the future...or even if God doesn't want children for us.

I don't want to keep feeling like my life won't start untill I become a mother. . . God has a plan for me now that till this point has not included my own children...hopefully soon it does...but I want to not be consumed by the what ifs and focus on today, right now what God has already blessed me with...Why is it so difficult to do this?

and why is it so difficult to believe that God wants to bless me?

Prayer Chair

My husband put a chair in our nursery so I could be more comfortable when I pray. How sweet is that?

I usually use an exercise ball when I pray in the nursery, and more often then not pray in our living room. I don't pray enough, but in the moments when my tears are the most I pray. . . and pray and pray.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty! He is the provider of all things great and all things small.

nausea

6 days past ovulation today. After I left Abbey's I started feeling very nauseous and lightheaded. I'm going to bed early tonight. I would love for this to be a "good" sign, but it is still to early to tell, and I've had lots of "symptoms" before without being pregnant. I am confident that when God wants me to be pregnant it will happen. He has the power to move mountains...we just have to ask with the right heart. I am praying for a child so I can love it and nurture him/her to love the Lord...I've been praying for twins, but I'll be happy with just one healthy one too.

5 days past ovulation

Today is five days past ovulation. Nine more days before my period is due. . .Today I had five or six uterine contractions...very short in duration, maybe a second or two...very sharp. Jeremy said you shouldn't have contractions without being pregnant. I called the doctor and the nurse said this was normal. I hate when pain is normal. . . but I suppose it would be worse if it was not.

Two Weeks Waiting, again.

This cycle is fourteen months of trying..fourteen months of waiting....fourteen months of hopes deferred and deferred and deferred. Jeremy says I'm not patient, enough...and maybe I'm not...I seem to be ok most of the time, but at random moments or the end of a failed cycle I get sad.

I am currently in this cycle's two weeks waiting. . . 4 days past ovulation.... Praise God I ovulated again. We had sex around the right times...I laid on my back for at least twenty minutes afterwords...but then we've done everything humanly possible before and still remain barren...

Right now everything hurts...my boobs hurt, my back hurts, my ovaries hurt, my female organs hurt...

The worst thing about two weeks waiting is the possibility you could be pregnant, and the fear that you are not pregnant yet another cycle. . . and if you are pregnant you want to avoid certain activities...and you wish you knew one way or the other so you could engage in those activities...like having a glass of wine.

Wheat Germ

New this cycle is whet germ softgel tablets. My grandmother sent them to me. She tried for five years to get pregnant with her first child. A friend of hers recommended wheat germ, and after the first cycle of taking it she was pregnant with my Uncle Larry.

I am not sure how wheat germ is supposed to affect fertility. I have not found anything online addressing wheat germ and fertility. However, I have noticed this cycle that I have had much more cervical fluid since taking it.

I don't know if the increased fluid is from the wheatgerm or that God is using it to increase my fluid...

It is strange too, since I am on clomid this cycle, and in past months clomid has dried me up more then usual. Maybe...the vitamin E in wheat germ helps to increase a women's fluid? This would be an interesting science project if I was in to science.

Even if it didn't affect my fertility, I would recommend wheat germ for the added health benefits.

Hurt by Joy

I am a sick person...I am a person who impulsively cries on hearing a pregnancy announcement. This is news that generally normal human people are happy over. . . and I am. I love babies...

Yet like clockwork each time I hear another pregnancy announcement I cry. I can't help it. It triggers an ache deep within my soul. It crushes my spirit. . . like a kick below the belt. I can't prepare for it.

I have a bandaid covering the hurt most of the time. . . a pregnancy announcement, baby shower, baby like words/news, re-open the wound.

I want so much for it to be my turn to share the "Big News". I want to be pregnant. I want to be the ONE with a beautiful human life or two growing inside of me. Then my mom reminds me that someday, when I am able to share my own news of pregnancy...my news will bring the same pain that others joy brings me now.

Lord Jehovah, please help my first reaction to pregnancy in others to be joy and not sorrow. Help me to be able to look beyond myself and share the joy of my friends and family. Help me to be a blessing to others in ways I would not be if I were a mother myself. Help me to show my husband that I love him even if we never have our own children. Help us both together to love you with all of our hearts. Amen.