Waiting

Soo...we decided to skip a month or so of trying so we can save up some money for IUI, and work out some (haha with Christmas coming up). Thank you to my friend who encouraged me to do IUI with her own story.

I sent inquirys to two infertility clinics in Seattle. We shall see who I get an appointment with first. We don't need it "too" soon tho. We need to save up some mulla. The treatment ranges from $4,000 to $300 a treatment (cycle). We will probably be stuck somewhere in the middle...around $1,500. I NEED fertility drugs to ovulate at the present time. God has used clomid to help me ovulate two times. I know He doesn't need it to do His work, but He has used it in my life and for that I am thankful.

I will probably have to use provera to induce my period whenever we are ready to start IUI, but God is good and he has a perfect plan for our lives.

All of the Cheerios and none of the milk?

My heart is breaking...I can't explain it...I really really really thought that I had God's peace about this cycle...now I'm questioning what is from Him and what is me? I just don't know.

The last three days I have been extremly light headed, nauseous, and exhausted to the point I have not been able to work. Yesterday, at 12 dpo, I took a urine test....negative. Today I was very concerned that if I wasn't pregnant and feeling these things there could be something seriously wrong with me....so I went to the walk in clinic. The doctor ordered a blood pregnancy test and a thyroid test. I'm not really worried about the thyroid because I was tested recently for that to rule out fertility problems. I'm also pretty sure the blood test will be negative. After I left the doctors office today I started cramping, I took a night time temp and it was pretty low...I know it doesn't really count until tommorow, but it was still a sign...and then tonight I went potty before bed and the dreaded spotting. I couldn't take it. I started balling, and crying, and weaping, wimpering, whatever you want to call it. I just want to be a mom Lord. I have no control over this body of mine Lord, you do.

I didn't want to make it to the next step of the infertility road...I didn't want to have to go to a specialist...I don't have money to go to a specialist. We will probably have to skip a cycle or two while we wait to save up, and the Christmas season coming up does not help. We will have to think and pray about so many things.

On the plus side...God made it very clear to me last night that he is the one that breathes life, and sustains it.
(don't mind the copy and paste wierdness from Biblegateway)

Isaiah 44:2 Thus says the LORD who made youAnd formed you from the womb, who will help you,' Do not fear, O Jacob My servant;And you Jeshurun whom I have chosen.

26. Isaiah 44:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 44:24
    Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb,"I, the LORD, am the maker of all things, Stretching out the heavens by MyselfAnd spreading out the earth all alone,
    Isaiah 44:23-25 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 46:3
    " Listen to Me, O house of Jacob,And all the remnant of the house of Israel,You who have been borne by Me from birthAnd have been carried from the womb;
    Isaiah 46:2-4 (in Context) Isaiah 46 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:1
    [ Salvation Reaches to the End of the Earth ] Listen to Me, O islands,And pay attention, you peoples from afar The LORD called Me from the womb;From the body of My mother He named Me.
    Isaiah 49:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:5
    And now says the LORD, who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant,To bring Jacob back to Him, so that Israel might be gathered to Him(For I am honored in the sight of the LORD,And My God is My strength),
    Isaiah 49:4-6 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)

Isaiah 40:31

Isaiah 40:31 (New American Standard Bible)

"...Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary"

This verse kept rolling over and over again in my head yesterday and then this morning right before I took my temperature 98.5 (the highest it has ever been) and as I took yet another pregnancy test and again when that pregnancy test was negative at 12dpo...

I prayed this morning before taking my temp..."Lord if I'm not pregnant show me by a low temperature, if I am show me by a high temperature, your name be glorified..." I took my temperature...and it was super high at 98.5. I then took a pee test and it was negative...

I cried still sort of in disbelief and my husband said, "Jessica, God is not limited to peesticks or time schedules he is not limited to what has happened to other people in the past or any of that...I still believe that you are pregnant this cycle and we will find out in God's timing not ours..."

I said but but most people that test at 12 dpo that are pregnant get a positive result...and he said have a little faith.

On the few times I have ovulated I had a 14 day luteal phase...which would be this coming Thursday. If my temp is still high then I might test again on Saturday...all I know is that God wants me to wait on Him and His timing whether that is now or a million years from now...and waiting on Him will give me strength and build me up...

Blessed be Jehovah our provider.

98.3

In July I asked the Lord to give me a temp of 98.3 to show me that I was pregnant...it never happened..maybe I did have it I don't know because I wasn't temping correctly at that time...now I am *cheers*

It might not mean anything. . . but this morning my temp rose to 98.3.

God is faithful, and I know that He can do miracles in and through all of us if He chooses.

Patience is a virtue...

Today I was talking to my husband about how I feel super bummed right now because I really believe I heard an audible clear voice from God saying this was our month to conceive...and he said honey what changed your mind, why are you so bummed, your period isn't even due until Thursday...which is in 5ish days. A test isn't even positive for most people until then anyways...and I tested on 7 dpo, 8 dpo and 9dpo...and of course its going to be negative...

I wanted to talk about IUI and adoption and just other options, and my husband said no ...we will only talk about these things if you get your period because I still very much believe that you are pregnant right now and just don't know it yet.

I hope this gives you insight into my faith...I'm either super hot or super cold...I don't have alot of inbetween. There are moments even days when I very much believe that my God can move this mountain of infertility and that He is doing so right now...and other moments, like right now that I want to curl up in a ball ...in my pj's, under a blankent and just cry into my pillow...

My family says, "you have to wait on God's timing." and I know this...but this time I heard him say NOW and I don't have any "symptoms" now so thats freaking me out...plus I wanted the pee stick to be positive at 9 days past ovulation...when I have a 14 day lutal phase...

Lord please help me to trust you especially when I can't see whats going on. Help me not to worry about what if when I don't even know what tommorow will bring yet.

Waiting

Oh the waiting...for ovulation and then for the "two weeks" after ovulation and then it starts over again... . . waiting for two pink lines on a pee stick, and then waiting....9 months later a baby to be placed in my arms...a child to call ME mother. Some moments the dream is so close I can almost grasp it...on the day that I know I ovulated, on the day before I take the pee test...and other days...the day my period arrives, the day I don't get a second line on a pee stick, my spirit is crushed...during these times the dream feels impossible and yet I know that nothing is impossible with God. I want to be a mother and there is nothing I can do to make this happen. God alone has the power to breathe life. . . I know that those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength (Isaiah)...but there are moments when the reality of motherhood seems as ridiculous as winning the lottery or finding the cure to an incurable disease...so powerless over this ....my heart aches, literally sometimes...I've only been trying for ten months...so many before me and now have been trying so much longer, and yet the hurt is very real, the desire is very real...the frustration is very real.

8 days past ovulation

8 days past ovulation...I was stupid I know...and I peed on a stick after I got home from work at about 6pm...a. way way too early to tell and b. not first morning urine..I fall in the category of "willing" a line on the stick...almost to the point of drawing a second line on the stick as if that will automatically make me pregnant.../sigh. God is big. . . one day a time with this and the rest of my life.

Dillusional? Wishful?

I really think I am pregnant. I'm only 7 days past ovulation tho...so I can't even think to get a positive test for a whole week. I prayed today and asked God to give me peace about being pregnant if I was or give me a super un-peace about it if I wasnt....and I just had more peace... I can't explain it but I really think I am pregnant...is that wierd? Maybe this is just the act of a desperate woman...but usually when I want something really bad and God says no I know...I just know...like a few months ago when I had the chemical pregnancy...I just knew. I had dreams about miscarriages it was the wierdest thing. I kept hearing evil voices in my head saying I was going to miscarry. This cycle I keep hearing that this is the cycle for us and we are NOT going to miscarry and we are going to have children from this cycle. Anyways....I'll write here when I find out I am pregnant. Blessed by Jehovah provider of all things.

Praise God ovulation confirmed

Today my temperature rose for the third day in a row...at 97.8 today! Fertility Friend (body temp tracker) confirmed that I ovulated on day 21 of my cycle or rather on Thursday. I am now officially in my "two weeks waiting". We did marital activities within the "window" but not on the day of ovulation. Long story that I acquaint with an unexplainable God thing.

no temp rise yet.

No temp rise yet...hopefully soon...everything has a time and a place...I know...just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day a time or a minute at a time...

my poor husband has been terribly sick the last few days...he really wants a baby too or else we would have had a week of abstinence. I can't wait till we don't "have" to do marital activities anymore.

No pain no gain :)

I praise the Lord for the pain in both my ovaries right now and the bloating and I praise Him for my boob pain as well. I know these things are healthy signs of a good ovulation and that and then some healthy twins are what I am praying for this cycle. Blessed be the Lord.

Another positive ovulation Praise God.

Sooo...drum roll.... positive ovulation kit test last night...and again this morning although last night was definitely darker. I am super excited. I have an incredible peace this month/cycle. God is at work. He always is at work...but I very much believe that this month I will get pregnant and stay pregnant this time.

Blessed be Jehovah my provider.