The last three days I have been extremly light headed, nauseous, and exhausted to the point I have not been able to work. Yesterday, at 12 dpo, I took a urine test....negative. Today I was very concerned that if I wasn't pregnant and feeling these things there could be something seriously wrong with me....so I went to the walk in clinic. The doctor ordered a blood pregnancy test and a thyroid test. I'm not really worried about the thyroid because I was tested recently for that to rule out fertility problems. I'm also pretty sure the blood test will be negative. After I left the doctors office today I started cramping, I took a night time temp and it was pretty low...I know it doesn't really count until tommorow, but it was still a sign...and then tonight I went potty before bed and the dreaded spotting. I couldn't take it. I started balling, and crying, and weaping, wimpering, whatever you want to call it. I just want to be a mom Lord. I have no control over this body of mine Lord, you do.
I didn't want to make it to the next step of the infertility road...I didn't want to have to go to a specialist...I don't have money to go to a specialist. We will probably have to skip a cycle or two while we wait to save up, and the Christmas season coming up does not help. We will have to think and pray about so many things.
On the plus side...God made it very clear to me last night that he is the one that breathes life, and sustains it.
(don't mind the copy and paste wierdness from Biblegateway)
Isaiah 44:2 Thus says the LORD who made youAnd formed you from the womb, who will help you,' Do not fear, O Jacob My servant;And you Jeshurun whom I have chosen.
- Isaiah 44:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 44:24
Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb,"I, the LORD, am the maker of all things, Stretching out the heavens by MyselfAnd spreading out the earth all alone,
Isaiah 44:23-25 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 46:3
" Listen to Me, O house of Jacob,And all the remnant of the house of Israel,You who have been borne by Me from birthAnd have been carried from the womb;
Isaiah 46:2-4 (in Context) Isaiah 46 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:1
[ Salvation Reaches to the End of the Earth ] Listen to Me, O islands,And pay attention, you peoples from afar The LORD called Me from the womb;From the body of My mother He named Me.
Isaiah 49:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:5
And now says the LORD, who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant,To bring Jacob back to Him, so that Israel might be gathered to Him(For I am honored in the sight of the LORD,And My God is My strength),
Isaiah 49:4-6 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)
1 comment:
Jess, my heart is so sad for you right now. I am so sorry that you aren't pregnant right now. I will continue to pray for you and Jeremy that God will guide you and continue to care for you during this time. I know it is easy to say coming from the other end of infertility, but God is blessing you right now, in the midst of this junk, in the way that He has chosen. It is hard to understand why it is not a child, but I promise you that God has not left you nor forsaken you and that He is doing a good work in you, in Jeremy, in your marriage and your friendships, and your relationship with Him. He will not abandon you and there is a reason for this wait. A reason from God. I pray that you take comfort in knowing that God loves you so much that He is allowing you to struggle as He works out the plan that He has for you. And knowing God, it will be amazing.
I also wanted to let you know that most of my tests, appointments, etc with the specialist were covered since initially they will be diagnostic in nature. So you may want to contact your insurance to see. Some things like an IUI won't be, but a lot of the stuff leading up to it will be.
Love you!
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