God has us do strange things.

I was reading a book for couples going through infertility.

The lady that wrote the book said.. sometimes God has us to strange things..things that don't make sense with our calling or what the desire of our heart is.

She gave the example of God telling Joshua to have the Iseralites walk around the wall of jericho 7 times to win the battle instead of the usual killing spree.

She said that sometimes God asks us to stop medical treatment even tho that doesn't make sense or continue with treatment that hasn't worked before. I need to trust him even if it doesn't make sense to me.

I've been having a hard time with this desire of mine. Every time I think about pregnancy/motherhood I cry...cry really isn't the right word. I ball/weap etc. I feel like there is a wound in my heart that will not heal.

I want God's timing for my children even if thats in forever and a day. . . He knows best...but its so hard. I feel like I am sacrificing every day for the kingdom. That's a selfish outlook I know, but it is how I feel.

It is like someone found out my sore spot and keeps picking at it and picking at it opening the wound more, egging me on. . .

Everyone BUT Me

I recently discovered a bunch of my college friends on facebook. They all had babies! Well maybe not ALL but most...and I got married before most of them... and many of them had more then one child. I'm super happy for them.

This does tho...make me feel self pity...why not me Lord...when is my turn Lord? /sigh I'm so funny I could totally be pregnant even now and just not know it. One moment at a time right?

I did read something encouraging in a book yesterday. God doesn't see you as a family when you get pregnant or have a baby. He sees you as a family when you get married...the two become one. Babies are just extra. . . but I do want that extra NOW!

3 days past ovulation

Thank you God that my body is working...that evidence of progesterone (the hormone that governs a woman's luetal phase) is definitely present. I'm three days past ovulation today and I'm super nauseous, have sore boobs, very bloated, and having random spurts of mild pelvic pain.

I praise God as these are signs that my body did in fact ovulate. I look forward to the day when these types of symptoms will be caused from pregnancy. The desire of my heart is for that to be soon, as in this cycle, but I know that whether it is or it isn't I will praise Him because he is weaving the tapestry of all of our lives, and He knows when the best time is for my children.

Two Weeks Waiting

Soo...according to fertility friend . . . if I did in fact ovulate I am scheduled to take my pregnancy test on Christmas Eve, which is exactly one year to the day we started trying to get pregnant. I don't know God's timing. I'm not going to read into anything good or bad, but I do think it would be such a wonderful Christmas Miracle to finally discover I'm pregnant on Christmas Eve and to be able to share such great news with my family on Christmas morning.

I'd be due September 2, 2009...which is very close to my birthday of September 6 1981....and that would be such a great birthday present...so if I did get pregnant this cycle I'd have a double blessing...a great Christmas Present and a great Birthday Present.

Another Miracle!!!

Soooo... I ovulated again...or at least I had a positive LH surge on the opk. I'm not tracking my temps this month so I'm not positive an egg was actually released....God is good.

This month was another non-medicated cycle. I had given up hope. I'm not sure what will happen, with pregnancy or when it will happen. No matter what I know it is in God's hands.
A few days ago I stayed up late and literally cried out to God. I prayed for a Christmas BFP (Big Fat Positive Pregnancy Test). He's in control of this and I have no doubt he has the power to do this even with me being overweight, even with my tooth pain.

I don't just want a pregnancy tho...I want a pregnancy that leads to babies that leads to me raising those babies to old age you know like 70 -90 years oldish. . .

Right now I rejoice in the gift of ovulation. This will mark the 4th time I have ovulated in the last 12 months. Blessed be the Lord.

Discouraged

I'm on cycle day 19 today...if I don't ovulate in the next few days then I'm pretty sure I'm not going to ovulate this cycle. All opks have not showed the slightest second line...or lh detection. I was hoping for an early Christmas present...but God has a perfect plan for my life and apparently getting pregnant this month is not it...

I am discouraged. I went to my lady doctor yesterday for my annual exam. He told me again that IUI was highly recomended do to our fertility issues (ovulation issues and low volume/high concentration sperm) He said that my luteal phase when I did ovulate was on the short side...but the treatment for that is clomid or another fertility drug...the good news is that I did ovulate naturally. Praise the Lord!

The problem and really why I am discouraged is that right now we can not afford iui with fertility medications and I don't think that once I finally get a job I'll be able to take off as much time from work to go to doctor visits for IUI or even clomid checks...to get the medication...

God has a perfect plan for us. I need to take this one day at a time...but its hard when the desire for children is so strong.

On a positive note I have made it through three days on weight watchers. Yeah! As difficult as it is I am focusing on getting healthier so that when I finally do get pregnant I'll be a better oven for that little one or two.

More Waiting

Due to finances seeing a specialist for IUI treatment is on hold indefinitely. . . as are clomid treatments since the doctor visit is $200 a cycle.

Right now I am on cycle day 11. . . praying that I will ovulate again naturally.

I am starting to believe that I need to be obedient to God in my diet and exercise before he will grant the desires of my heart (twins/children of my own). I have struggled with this since getting married. . . and thought I could let this struggle fester forever...but then I think of the little details...like giving my husband a hot pregnant wife instead of just a plumper looking wife...or placing God above good tasting food...

Delving into the heart of this struggle will be difficult, but I am confident the Lord will not bless me until I give him this area of my life. It is time. He has healed so many other areas of my life and given me confidence I never thought possible.

I am not sure if he wants me to just begin this journey...or complete it ...but I very much believe that God's desire for my life is for me to be a mother.

all natural'

Soo...after trying to conceive for 11 months ....I finally by the grace of God have ovulated naturally. . . without the help of clomid. . . praise God the provider of all things.

Waiting

Soo...we decided to skip a month or so of trying so we can save up some money for IUI, and work out some (haha with Christmas coming up). Thank you to my friend who encouraged me to do IUI with her own story.

I sent inquirys to two infertility clinics in Seattle. We shall see who I get an appointment with first. We don't need it "too" soon tho. We need to save up some mulla. The treatment ranges from $4,000 to $300 a treatment (cycle). We will probably be stuck somewhere in the middle...around $1,500. I NEED fertility drugs to ovulate at the present time. God has used clomid to help me ovulate two times. I know He doesn't need it to do His work, but He has used it in my life and for that I am thankful.

I will probably have to use provera to induce my period whenever we are ready to start IUI, but God is good and he has a perfect plan for our lives.

All of the Cheerios and none of the milk?

My heart is breaking...I can't explain it...I really really really thought that I had God's peace about this cycle...now I'm questioning what is from Him and what is me? I just don't know.

The last three days I have been extremly light headed, nauseous, and exhausted to the point I have not been able to work. Yesterday, at 12 dpo, I took a urine test....negative. Today I was very concerned that if I wasn't pregnant and feeling these things there could be something seriously wrong with me....so I went to the walk in clinic. The doctor ordered a blood pregnancy test and a thyroid test. I'm not really worried about the thyroid because I was tested recently for that to rule out fertility problems. I'm also pretty sure the blood test will be negative. After I left the doctors office today I started cramping, I took a night time temp and it was pretty low...I know it doesn't really count until tommorow, but it was still a sign...and then tonight I went potty before bed and the dreaded spotting. I couldn't take it. I started balling, and crying, and weaping, wimpering, whatever you want to call it. I just want to be a mom Lord. I have no control over this body of mine Lord, you do.

I didn't want to make it to the next step of the infertility road...I didn't want to have to go to a specialist...I don't have money to go to a specialist. We will probably have to skip a cycle or two while we wait to save up, and the Christmas season coming up does not help. We will have to think and pray about so many things.

On the plus side...God made it very clear to me last night that he is the one that breathes life, and sustains it.
(don't mind the copy and paste wierdness from Biblegateway)

Isaiah 44:2 Thus says the LORD who made youAnd formed you from the womb, who will help you,' Do not fear, O Jacob My servant;And you Jeshurun whom I have chosen.

26. Isaiah 44:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 44:24
    Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb,"I, the LORD, am the maker of all things, Stretching out the heavens by MyselfAnd spreading out the earth all alone,
    Isaiah 44:23-25 (in Context) Isaiah 44 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 46:3
    " Listen to Me, O house of Jacob,And all the remnant of the house of Israel,You who have been borne by Me from birthAnd have been carried from the womb;
    Isaiah 46:2-4 (in Context) Isaiah 46 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:1
    [ Salvation Reaches to the End of the Earth ] Listen to Me, O islands,And pay attention, you peoples from afar The LORD called Me from the womb;From the body of My mother He named Me.
    Isaiah 49:1-3 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)Isaiah 49:5
    And now says the LORD, who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant,To bring Jacob back to Him, so that Israel might be gathered to Him(For I am honored in the sight of the LORD,And My God is My strength),
    Isaiah 49:4-6 (in Context) Isaiah 49 (Whole Chapter)

Isaiah 40:31

Isaiah 40:31 (New American Standard Bible)

"...Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary"

This verse kept rolling over and over again in my head yesterday and then this morning right before I took my temperature 98.5 (the highest it has ever been) and as I took yet another pregnancy test and again when that pregnancy test was negative at 12dpo...

I prayed this morning before taking my temp..."Lord if I'm not pregnant show me by a low temperature, if I am show me by a high temperature, your name be glorified..." I took my temperature...and it was super high at 98.5. I then took a pee test and it was negative...

I cried still sort of in disbelief and my husband said, "Jessica, God is not limited to peesticks or time schedules he is not limited to what has happened to other people in the past or any of that...I still believe that you are pregnant this cycle and we will find out in God's timing not ours..."

I said but but most people that test at 12 dpo that are pregnant get a positive result...and he said have a little faith.

On the few times I have ovulated I had a 14 day luteal phase...which would be this coming Thursday. If my temp is still high then I might test again on Saturday...all I know is that God wants me to wait on Him and His timing whether that is now or a million years from now...and waiting on Him will give me strength and build me up...

Blessed be Jehovah our provider.

98.3

In July I asked the Lord to give me a temp of 98.3 to show me that I was pregnant...it never happened..maybe I did have it I don't know because I wasn't temping correctly at that time...now I am *cheers*

It might not mean anything. . . but this morning my temp rose to 98.3.

God is faithful, and I know that He can do miracles in and through all of us if He chooses.

Patience is a virtue...

Today I was talking to my husband about how I feel super bummed right now because I really believe I heard an audible clear voice from God saying this was our month to conceive...and he said honey what changed your mind, why are you so bummed, your period isn't even due until Thursday...which is in 5ish days. A test isn't even positive for most people until then anyways...and I tested on 7 dpo, 8 dpo and 9dpo...and of course its going to be negative...

I wanted to talk about IUI and adoption and just other options, and my husband said no ...we will only talk about these things if you get your period because I still very much believe that you are pregnant right now and just don't know it yet.

I hope this gives you insight into my faith...I'm either super hot or super cold...I don't have alot of inbetween. There are moments even days when I very much believe that my God can move this mountain of infertility and that He is doing so right now...and other moments, like right now that I want to curl up in a ball ...in my pj's, under a blankent and just cry into my pillow...

My family says, "you have to wait on God's timing." and I know this...but this time I heard him say NOW and I don't have any "symptoms" now so thats freaking me out...plus I wanted the pee stick to be positive at 9 days past ovulation...when I have a 14 day lutal phase...

Lord please help me to trust you especially when I can't see whats going on. Help me not to worry about what if when I don't even know what tommorow will bring yet.

Waiting

Oh the waiting...for ovulation and then for the "two weeks" after ovulation and then it starts over again... . . waiting for two pink lines on a pee stick, and then waiting....9 months later a baby to be placed in my arms...a child to call ME mother. Some moments the dream is so close I can almost grasp it...on the day that I know I ovulated, on the day before I take the pee test...and other days...the day my period arrives, the day I don't get a second line on a pee stick, my spirit is crushed...during these times the dream feels impossible and yet I know that nothing is impossible with God. I want to be a mother and there is nothing I can do to make this happen. God alone has the power to breathe life. . . I know that those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength (Isaiah)...but there are moments when the reality of motherhood seems as ridiculous as winning the lottery or finding the cure to an incurable disease...so powerless over this ....my heart aches, literally sometimes...I've only been trying for ten months...so many before me and now have been trying so much longer, and yet the hurt is very real, the desire is very real...the frustration is very real.

8 days past ovulation

8 days past ovulation...I was stupid I know...and I peed on a stick after I got home from work at about 6pm...a. way way too early to tell and b. not first morning urine..I fall in the category of "willing" a line on the stick...almost to the point of drawing a second line on the stick as if that will automatically make me pregnant.../sigh. God is big. . . one day a time with this and the rest of my life.

Dillusional? Wishful?

I really think I am pregnant. I'm only 7 days past ovulation tho...so I can't even think to get a positive test for a whole week. I prayed today and asked God to give me peace about being pregnant if I was or give me a super un-peace about it if I wasnt....and I just had more peace... I can't explain it but I really think I am pregnant...is that wierd? Maybe this is just the act of a desperate woman...but usually when I want something really bad and God says no I know...I just know...like a few months ago when I had the chemical pregnancy...I just knew. I had dreams about miscarriages it was the wierdest thing. I kept hearing evil voices in my head saying I was going to miscarry. This cycle I keep hearing that this is the cycle for us and we are NOT going to miscarry and we are going to have children from this cycle. Anyways....I'll write here when I find out I am pregnant. Blessed by Jehovah provider of all things.

Praise God ovulation confirmed

Today my temperature rose for the third day in a row...at 97.8 today! Fertility Friend (body temp tracker) confirmed that I ovulated on day 21 of my cycle or rather on Thursday. I am now officially in my "two weeks waiting". We did marital activities within the "window" but not on the day of ovulation. Long story that I acquaint with an unexplainable God thing.

no temp rise yet.

No temp rise yet...hopefully soon...everything has a time and a place...I know...just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day a time or a minute at a time...

my poor husband has been terribly sick the last few days...he really wants a baby too or else we would have had a week of abstinence. I can't wait till we don't "have" to do marital activities anymore.

No pain no gain :)

I praise the Lord for the pain in both my ovaries right now and the bloating and I praise Him for my boob pain as well. I know these things are healthy signs of a good ovulation and that and then some healthy twins are what I am praying for this cycle. Blessed be the Lord.

Another positive ovulation Praise God.

Sooo...drum roll.... positive ovulation kit test last night...and again this morning although last night was definitely darker. I am super excited. I have an incredible peace this month/cycle. God is at work. He always is at work...but I very much believe that this month I will get pregnant and stay pregnant this time.

Blessed be Jehovah my provider.

Catch up

Soo much has happened since I last posted in this journal. I had a "chemical pregnancy" the beginning of August. (the egg fertilized but didn't implant). My husband and I named the child Oscar. It was good to know that I was capable of getting pregnant. The cycle after that I didn't ovulate and now I am currently on cycle day 19, waiting to ovulate. . . We are now on our tenth month of trying to conceive. TEN MONTHS!!!!! So many people try for so much longer.

I pee'd on the opk today and no second line... I am discouraged, but not completely. I have peace this cycle that this is the time we will concieve. Regardless I am not patient and want to be pregnant yesterday!

another tempature story

When you want to be pregnant you "read" into every little sign. Yesterday I was nauseous and threw up when we were having a bbq at my parents house. This was 7 days past ovulation...so I thought maybe...if the little eggies had implanted....? :)

Then this morning my temperature was 97.1...which is way above my coverline still...but my temps were from the day after ovulation on... 97.4; 97.5; 97.3;97.8;97.8;97.0;97.3;and then 97.1 I want them to get higher!!!! So this morning I confess I went and looked at women's charts that had declared a positive pregnancy test...and they were all different. This made it sink in for me...we are all different...our bodies..everything. I can 't look at what other women say to uplift me or to worry either. I just need to look to the face of my savior and trust that nothing is impossible with him...not to worry because each day has troubles of its own.

Praise be to the Lord!

Weary

I am amazed at the perseverance of women trying to conceive. I don't know how they find strength each month..trying and trying and trying...

This is my 7 month and I am weary. Waking up at 3:45 each morning to take my temp even on the weekend just to keep with the consistency...the disappointments every month that passes without a child...timing intercourse...the extra aches and pains that come with taking a fertility drug...always trusting that God is in control...sometimes I wish that God would tell me, "Jessica I want you to have kids on x date so you can rest till then." . . . or that he would just bless me with them this cycle and 8.5/9 months later I can enjoy my own children. I am weary. I am defeated. God grant me strength. God bless my tired heart with its desire- my own children.

God is funny :)

Ya know whats crazy... 7ish months ago when we started "trying". . . my husband absolutely did not wants twins. I'd pray every day for twins. . . and he'd give me this glare. Then I started praying he'd be happy if we did have them... today he told me that he'd doesn't care if we have twins he just wants me to be pregnant :) Obviously he'd still prefer one at a time, but thats huge! Aww. What a precious husband I have. . . this being said God has also brought me to that same point where I don't care if I have a boy or a girl ..twins, triplets...singleton or whatever...as long as I get pregnant and have a healthy baby(ies)

Anyways...I was also thinking today of how my grandma, mom, and aunt all had difficulty conceiving. It took my grandma five years to conceive her first, but then she went on to have five kids. My mom had me right away, but struggled with all the pregnancies after. Her mom took des with her so her cervix wouldn't stay closed. . . and my aunt also tried for over four years to conceive her first and then had three healthy kids..

flustrated morning

This morning I feel sad in relation to my fertility... woke up this morning and had another low temp 96.2 ...today is cycle day 14. With the clomid I'm suppose to ovulate by this Sunday...its Thursday. Oh Heavenly father I pray that you bless us with children of our own. I pray that you open my womb and allow us to conceive and give birth to healthy children. Blessed be your name of Jesus! Amen!

I knew that I might have difficulty trying to conceive based on what doctors had said to me when I was younger. . .but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that despite the odds my husband and I would become pregnant on our first cycle trying. I was wrong! What is a little frustrating is that I know God has the power to create life. He alone has this power.

Sometimes I think I just need to pray more and it will happen...but then I read about so many Christian woman who have been trying for 10 years...and I think wow Lord I know that you love them and yet they are still infertile... then I think in ten years if we didn't have biological children I'd be crushed... I have always had a very strong desire to be a mother and I'd be crushed. I know God can change my heart, but I really don't want him to with this... growing up I wanted to be a wife, an attorney, and a mother...I'm a wife and an attorney just waiting on the mother part...

I have a niece and I selfishly just keep thinking why couldn't we have been the one to have a baby...

Then...there are some women who after years of trying conceive only to miscarry or have stillborn children or something terrible... so when I think ok it might happen someday I freak out about these other things... and then wonder how any of us survive or are born...it is such a miracle...God giveth life, God taketh away life....blessed be the Lord! We are all miracles!

God is teaching me that I need to take it one day at a time and not think about the parade of terribles. My own journey is unique and just because good or bad things have happened to other people doesn't mean that good or bad things will happen to me... The Lord has a special plan for my husband and I. I just need to trust that the Lord Jesus knows best.

Temps

Ovulation isn't happening today either. If ovulation occurs with clomid it is suppose to occur 5 to 10 days after one stops taking the clomid pills. This coming Sunday will be 10 days since I stopped taking the pills. I had a bit of cramping today, so maybe... soon? I can only pray!

Also I started temping again about a week ago. I took my temperature one other cycle but threw away the thermometer because my temps were so low...95 sometimes 96 and highest was low 97's. Well...the new thermometer is giving the same kinds of temps...what is wrong with me? Who gets 95.6 as there resting temp?

ovulation kit 3

Sooo no go on the pee again today. Its a wonder how people don't go insane over this trying to get pregnant deal. I don't even need to tell Jeremy the pee stick didn't work. I come downstairs in pjs.

Ovulation kit day 2

It is sort of funny to think about the joy or sorrow peeing on a stick can bring...my husband is precious...he reminded me about the stick tonight...we both want a baby now...I really want two. We will see what God wants hopefully sooner then later. Ovulation isn't soon...the stick was negative tonight.

Ovulation Predictor Kits

Due to the clomid we have to monitor whether ovulation occurred or not...thus this month is the first month we are using ovulation predictor kits... Essentially one pees on a stick in the afternoon or evening to determine whether there is a surge in LH hormones. Today was day 10 of my cycle...and three days after stopping clomid 3 to 7. . . the test was negative. I will be repeating this test every day for the next 10 days or until I get a positive test whatever comes first. I have not been able to ovulate naturally since going off birth control in December 2007. We are praying our first round of clomid is successful. Blessed be the Lord.