BOO Aunt FLO go away come back in nine months, OK?

Soo...my period started today. BOO!!! What is crazy is that for the first time in forever I have yet to cry over her coming.

Why? I'm not quite sure...a big reason is that I'm sooo super excited over starting my new job that I have not even thought about the sorrow of what I don't have this month.

Praise the Lord for the joy that he brings.

LOVE

"I have found the one whom my soul loves" Song of Solomon 3:4

Jeremy is amazing. I am so blessed to be married to him. Today he told me that even if we have to give up the internet to pay for daycare he would rather have a baby now then later. Those of you who know him know what a big deal that statement is. My husband...the computer guru would rather give up the internet then not have a baby.


I love you Jeremy! I know I don't show you enough, but I am very blessed to be married to you.

Baby Names

Much before Jeremy and I started trying to get pregnant we had our baby names picked out. There have been times when I have tried to deviate from our planned names and he insists that these are our kids names. :)

We wanted a letter theme...I liked alot of E names....so we intend to have all of our children's names start with E. I'm a matchy matchy kind of person.

Girl Names:

1. Eleanor Lorraine (Lorraine is my middle name and my mother's middle name...we thought it would be special to continue on the family tradition for our first daughter). Eleanor...because I love the name...it means Light...and Lorraine means battle....Light in Battle...I forsee my future daughter being a light in battle for the souls of men and women.

2. Eternity Faith- This isn't a family name...but our faith is very important to both of us and we thought it would be neat to have a daughter that exemplies this in her name...the middle name is not set in stone....we also like Grace.

3. Elenia Grace- We have a close family friend named Eleni. I just love her name and Jeremy likes the addition of the a sound.

BOY NAMES

1. Ezekiel Jeremy- Jeremy wants his first son to have his first name as his middle name since Jeremy's middle name is Kirk (his dad's first name). I love the name Ezekiel...a prophet in the old testemant. Not alot of boys have this name...We'd call him Zeek has a nickname.

2. Elijah Jesse- If we have more then one boy we would like this to be his name. Jesse was my grandpa's first name...He was a very special influence in my life and is now with the Lord. I would like to honor him in this small way.

3. Entrari - this is a name of one of Jeremy's everquest (online game) characters...we like the way it sounds.

Now we just need the babies to go with the names. My entire life I grew up praying that I'd have ALL girls. After we started trying I had a dream that we were going to have two boys and one girl. God has given me a strong desire to have a boy first...which is totally wierd considering that I grew up not wanting any boys... (had a crazy brother).

I'll be happy with healthy babies :)

Peeonastickaholic

So...Jeremy says I need to get some serious help! :) Almost every cycle I start peeing on a stick at 7dpo when normal people just barely start getting a positive test at 10dpo....and most people not untill 14dpo or more...I want to KNOW if I am haha.... I know it won't be positive untill God wants us to know...but I still pee...This cycle I peed on a stick at 6dpo lol and then at 8dpo and today at 9dpo.

Up untill 11dpo I am still totally happy with a negative test...but after that I break down and cry if its negative. I become depressed for almost an entire week...and then by the end of my menstral cycle I stop dwelling on it and move on with my life...This happens every cycle tho. Jeremy asked me if I'll be sad this cycle if I'm not pregnant. I said, "Of course...but I'll get over it and move on with my life." I know God has a plan for us. I really pray that means pregnancy this cycle and a healthy baby November 2009. If I was pregnant this cycle we'd be due November 5th 2009.

I will hold the stick up in the air trying to imagine a line there...like if I imagine a line there it means I am pregnant haha... I think you can always see an imaginary line if you really want to.

Jeremy says I need a support group for this addiction...

Waivering Faith

Symptoms, lack of symptoms, 14 months of failed cycles...discouraged..

On the way home from my parents home in Puyallup last night I cried out to God.

We've been trying and trying with no end in sight. Jeremy does not want to adopt until we exhaust all possible fertility options , including IUI and IVF. My doctor believes that we need to do something else, IUI or IVF unless God does a major miracle in our life....

I'm unemployed...we are struggling to pay our regular bills let alone save for treatment even the minimal amount for treatment.

I believe my God is very BIG and can do anything....but I read horrible stories about women that have multiple still births...multiple miscarriages, never have children biological or adopted...Who am I to say that I deserve better then what these women have recieved?

I want to be a mother so very much, but sometimes, days like today it is difficult to see past the struggle...see past the unknown and trust that my God wants to take care of my needs. . . my need of becoming a mother.

I'm becoming the crazy dog person that treats her dogs like kids... If I had a job I'd probaly stick my dogs in daycare. I love my dogs...I compare them to peoples kids...and they aren't kids...but they are the closest thing I have to kids.

I don't understand why some people have children and some people don't...some people have terrible struggles and others don't. I hate the sin that makes our world imperfect.

I hate having pregnancy like symptoms every cycle...because of the changing hormones and then not being pregnant....being nauseous, sick,tired etc...would be nothing if I had the promise of a baby in 9ish months... but being nauseous, sick and tired and not knowing whether you are pregnant is no fun.

Please pray for me today to find joy in the Lord and trust in His incredible will for my life whether I am pregnant this cycle ...in the future...or even if God doesn't want children for us.

I don't want to keep feeling like my life won't start untill I become a mother. . . God has a plan for me now that till this point has not included my own children...hopefully soon it does...but I want to not be consumed by the what ifs and focus on today, right now what God has already blessed me with...Why is it so difficult to do this?

and why is it so difficult to believe that God wants to bless me?

Prayer Chair

My husband put a chair in our nursery so I could be more comfortable when I pray. How sweet is that?

I usually use an exercise ball when I pray in the nursery, and more often then not pray in our living room. I don't pray enough, but in the moments when my tears are the most I pray. . . and pray and pray.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty! He is the provider of all things great and all things small.

nausea

6 days past ovulation today. After I left Abbey's I started feeling very nauseous and lightheaded. I'm going to bed early tonight. I would love for this to be a "good" sign, but it is still to early to tell, and I've had lots of "symptoms" before without being pregnant. I am confident that when God wants me to be pregnant it will happen. He has the power to move mountains...we just have to ask with the right heart. I am praying for a child so I can love it and nurture him/her to love the Lord...I've been praying for twins, but I'll be happy with just one healthy one too.

5 days past ovulation

Today is five days past ovulation. Nine more days before my period is due. . .Today I had five or six uterine contractions...very short in duration, maybe a second or two...very sharp. Jeremy said you shouldn't have contractions without being pregnant. I called the doctor and the nurse said this was normal. I hate when pain is normal. . . but I suppose it would be worse if it was not.

Two Weeks Waiting, again.

This cycle is fourteen months of trying..fourteen months of waiting....fourteen months of hopes deferred and deferred and deferred. Jeremy says I'm not patient, enough...and maybe I'm not...I seem to be ok most of the time, but at random moments or the end of a failed cycle I get sad.

I am currently in this cycle's two weeks waiting. . . 4 days past ovulation.... Praise God I ovulated again. We had sex around the right times...I laid on my back for at least twenty minutes afterwords...but then we've done everything humanly possible before and still remain barren...

Right now everything hurts...my boobs hurt, my back hurts, my ovaries hurt, my female organs hurt...

The worst thing about two weeks waiting is the possibility you could be pregnant, and the fear that you are not pregnant yet another cycle. . . and if you are pregnant you want to avoid certain activities...and you wish you knew one way or the other so you could engage in those activities...like having a glass of wine.

Wheat Germ

New this cycle is whet germ softgel tablets. My grandmother sent them to me. She tried for five years to get pregnant with her first child. A friend of hers recommended wheat germ, and after the first cycle of taking it she was pregnant with my Uncle Larry.

I am not sure how wheat germ is supposed to affect fertility. I have not found anything online addressing wheat germ and fertility. However, I have noticed this cycle that I have had much more cervical fluid since taking it.

I don't know if the increased fluid is from the wheatgerm or that God is using it to increase my fluid...

It is strange too, since I am on clomid this cycle, and in past months clomid has dried me up more then usual. Maybe...the vitamin E in wheat germ helps to increase a women's fluid? This would be an interesting science project if I was in to science.

Even if it didn't affect my fertility, I would recommend wheat germ for the added health benefits.

Hurt by Joy

I am a sick person...I am a person who impulsively cries on hearing a pregnancy announcement. This is news that generally normal human people are happy over. . . and I am. I love babies...

Yet like clockwork each time I hear another pregnancy announcement I cry. I can't help it. It triggers an ache deep within my soul. It crushes my spirit. . . like a kick below the belt. I can't prepare for it.

I have a bandaid covering the hurt most of the time. . . a pregnancy announcement, baby shower, baby like words/news, re-open the wound.

I want so much for it to be my turn to share the "Big News". I want to be pregnant. I want to be the ONE with a beautiful human life or two growing inside of me. Then my mom reminds me that someday, when I am able to share my own news of pregnancy...my news will bring the same pain that others joy brings me now.

Lord Jehovah, please help my first reaction to pregnancy in others to be joy and not sorrow. Help me to be able to look beyond myself and share the joy of my friends and family. Help me to be a blessing to others in ways I would not be if I were a mother myself. Help me to show my husband that I love him even if we never have our own children. Help us both together to love you with all of our hearts. Amen.