Divine Appointment

Living in community with my sister for two weeks was incredible. I went there solely hoping to uplift her spirits for her birthday. It became more then that,  a divine appointment. Through my time at Azusa I turned back to God, reading my Bible, and praying more then I have in the last two months.  I prayed through my job dilemma, for Jeremy etc... I re-explored my creative roots, painting, ceramics. I experienced freedom to live my life for Christ.

If we needed something we walked to it, including friendship. College students do life together in an intense way...when I got back home to Washington I craved this community. I have great roommates, friends, and a great church family.

Contempt

I am slowly reading through a book called "Wounded Heart". Today I read about the concept of contempt for others and or self. One way self contempt is shown is by over indulging in food. Overeating can be harmful, causing a plethora of health problems. Whenever I am anxious I turn to food or other harmful things to pacify myself. I am ashamed to admit this but, I turn to almost anything before I turn to God. I usually turn to God to pick up the pieces of another broken situation.

The Star Sapphire

Just before Christmas I began struggling with many concepts. I wanted a man to love me. I've always wanted a man to love me. When I was a child I longed for my daddy to say, "I love you." He did love me, but he rarely said those words. My entire life has been spent in pursuit of gaining love from a man. I thought I had it made when I married Jeremy, and then he changed to Jerica. After Jeremy and I separated I felt empty and so confused. I thought I'd grow old with him, have babies with him etc...and now I'm 28 years old mourning the loss of someone still living. The man that Jeremy was is gone. I won't grow old with him in the ways that I once dreamed. I don't have a husband anymore. I don't have children. What is my purpose in this world? I desire to be a wife and mother. Are those God's desires for my heart? I don't know. I know that life is too painful to live without serving God's desires for my life.

This brings me back to Christmas time... My best friend, Caroline, shared this verse with me.

"Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." Daniel 12:3

After sharing this verse, she gave me a star sapphire necklace, her favorite necklace. She didn't want to give it to me, but God prompted her. God told her that he wants to use my trials to lead many to righteousness, but right now God wants me for Himself. At the time I laughed about it. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable with God, and trust that whatever his purpose is for my life is good. Tonight, I am still scared. However, I'm discovering, as I mentioned above, that true Joy comes from living in God's blessing. Thus, even tho I'm flying around like a wisp in the wind, I am ready to let God pursue me, and to pursue Him.

The only thing that is clear to me is that God has set this time for just Him and I. He wants me to Know Him, to Know me, and the me that he means for me to be. Thus, for this year I am dedicating to this purpose.  All this means is that I'm going to stop chasing men, and chase the King in Shining Armor instead.