random thoughts

I barfed and had major diarrhea this morning from metformin. It is the first time I've been really sick on it. I forgot to take my morning dose and did not take any till 11pm...when I took two...I ate some peanuts with it...yikes! I need to remember to take it....I was having no problems even when eating unhealthy food. I don't want diarrhea and throw up again!

On another note the Psalms have mirrored my heart the last few days....reading about someone who experienced agony, and deliverance is soothing...

I want to grow old with you...

I like to wash your boxers...I like the smell of your cologne. I love to look into your beautiful brown eyes and thank God for giving me the most handsome sweetest guy on the planet to be my husband.

Right now I'm suffocating in pain. I don't understand what you are going through. I would do anything to take this suffering from you...and yet your pain causes me pain. Each day you let go a little more, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the gift God has given me. I want to grow old with you. I wish I was enough. I will do all that I can in my human self to love you and ask God for even more.

Today I did battle on my knees for you. I read the scrapbook I made for you as a wedding gift...I read the vows I wrote and made to you almost five years ago. I promised that, "for this marriage I will fight, daily on my knees in prayer, even when you can not do the same...."

I will fight for you daily. I will do battle on my knees for you. I will ask God to make me whole so that I can love you with all of my heart...cleaning, cooking, taking care of you even when I'm tired sick or hot. I know that I am not enough...but I pray that God would use me to show you He is enough. He is the only one that can fill your void.
I pray He allows me to grow old with you.

Is God enough?

Is God enough? If God were to allow my husband to reject me...and allow me to never have children, would God be enough? He has to be. If God is not enough then my life means nothing. He can take away everything else, but I still have Him. I don't think its fair tho...that some people have healthy happy families and right now I have so much hurt. Even if we move on from this time in our lives I will go forward with a new kind of scar on my heart, a new realization that God's love is the only permanence in our lives....and for that am I willing to give up everything else? Am I willing to live alone if that is what He asks? Am I willing to never be a mother if that is what is required of me? Am I willing to live this kind of life with joy? If my husband rejects me am I willing to pick up the pieces and continue to follow my loving savior with joy? Am I willing to trust that God knows what is best for my life even in the midst of this storm...that my God will take care of me even if my husband can not? Hebrews 13:6 "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

Hurting Inside

This is how I feel today. Infertility seems like nothing compared to what Jeremy and I are going through right now. I love Jeremy. If I could go back in time and choose anyone again. I would still choose to marry Jeremy...even knowing everything that would happen or not happen in the past almost five years. Jeremy is consumed with a hurt in his heart so big that he does not feel like God can fill it. He wants to fill the consuming hurt with something that would eventually destroy our marriage. I know Jeremy and know that he loves God with all his heart...but for some reason his hurt is so much right now. I want to be a mother, but more then that want my husband to see the amazing man I see in him. I want him to see that God is enough even to fill this great hurt in his life...and I also want to be enough of a wife for him....I want him to feel loved by me too.

Please pray for us today.

One Day at a Time

Right now we are focusing on US- Jeremy and I...growing in Christ. I am working on confidence, cleaning, cooking, and weight issues. He is working on his own struggles.

We are resting from actively trying. (taking fertility drugs, pursuing IUI/IVF) Jeremy will let me know when the right time is to actively try again.

I'm taking metformin still. I went to the doctor's office a few days ago and was given a prescription for 2,000 mg of metformin...I am to gradually increase my dose untill I reach the 2,000 mark.

Although we aren't actively trying we aren't preventing either...taking it day by day, waiting on the Lord's direction for our life. We'd love to have a surprise "free" miracle baby. Free meaning we didn't have to pay for fertility treatment...

I had a major breakdown a week ago, and Jeremy and a few good friends pointed out that having a baby appeared to them to be an idol in my life. I don't want it to be. God is really enough...everything else really is extra it is just painful to acknowledge that sometimes because I do want memories raising children with Jeremy, and grandchildren if God permits.

Monday morning my mom and I are going to Las Vegas, taking it one day at a time...enjoying the life that God has gifted us.

Praying about Femara

Since we are currently in a God induced break from fertility treatment I thought I'd take the time to pray about taking Femara. My gynecologist will prescribe fertility drugs to me the beginning of October. . . both he and the reproductive specialist believe we need IUI to get pregnant. Jeremy and I don't want to waste money on drugs or any procedure if it isn't what God wants for us and if it probably won't work. Will Femara work? Is it God's plan for us to concieve just using fertility drugs? What is His plan for our lives?

I don't have a job right now to pay for treatment. My doctor won't prescribe fertility drugs for at least another month. Jeremy and I are working through a major crisis in his life right now, and I am working through my eating and cleaning habits.

Knowing that today isn't the right time doesn't stop me from thinking about the future...praying about the future. Is Femara the drug for us? Do we need it? Does God want us to wait longer? Does he want us to wait until we can afford IUI? What does He want?

Please pray for God's direction with his timing for fertility treatment. Pray for God's peace with using Femara or not using it. Pray for me to utilize this time to get healthier, and work on my bad habits. Also pray for Jeremy as he works through so much hurt in his heart.

God Through Me

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life...I see everything that needs to change in my life and I freak out. I need to lose weight, clean my house, affirm my husband, keep my house clean etc... how can I change when there is so much of me to change? Why does God want to use me when I'm so broken? How can He?

Then...I pray and am reminded of the moments where God opened the door to a new job, God opened the door to Jeremy entering my life. God healed my father of cancer. God did it not me. God knows the winning lottery numbers. He buys the ticket for you and then hands it to you. . . each and every time. Our "gifts" are truly meaningless without Him.

I am learning, slowly, but still learning, that I have something to offer this world. Strike that, not me, God through me.

Yesterday depression overwhelmed me. Yesterday I wanted to be a mother. I feel like the children of my friends provides them a common ground that I do not share with any of them. I can't bring a child on a play date, birthday party, camping trip etc... I don't know what its like to give birth to a child or even adopt a child. I only know what it is like to be barren. I praise God for my husband and the gift of marriage He has given me for almost five years now. Yesterday, I was left wanting. Thinking, if only I had a child, I would fit in with my peers.

I know that God has carved this time out for Jeremy and I to work more on our oneness...to continue to heal from our life wounds. . . to love each other more. I have not taken a pregnancy test in over two months now. I have not ovulated for much longer than that. My focus has not been on having children. It was initially on surviving Jeremy's internal struggle, job loss etc...and now the focus has become on what I can do....what I am right now....how I can love my husband more and my Christ more.

It goes back to what I learned at the woman's retreat in April. What directions did God give you last? Work on that and then the rest will be added...or work on that then ask for new directions...For me that means I need to work on loving my husband from my heart and then maybe God will provide the children...but my focus can't be on children. Even when we have children our marriage needs to be the primary focus after God.

Another good nugget from the retreat was...I can't make having children an idol in my life. I can't put having children on a pedestal. If I do then when I finally have that child I'll be depressed because that child will be human. That child will not be enough. Only God is enough.

I love Barb btw! Praise God for Barb!