Anger

I keep getting angry at the people, words that are spoken into my husband's life that twist scripture...words that he sometimes agrees with. I want to scream at the words, at the people...stop speaking vomit into his life...stop hurting him, you don't know how you are hurting him. . . and how you are hurting me. STOP!!!! I know that anger is sinful...and I feel guilty over how I feel...but I am angry...God does not make mistakes.

Heartache

Last week was the hardest of my entire life so far. It is amazing how your threshhold for heartache increases as you get older and experience new hurts. I think it will only get worse before it gets better. My world is crashing around me... what I think is amazing is that in Psalms 10, maybe 11... it says that when our foundations crumble around us God is watching and he cares. God needs to be my foundation. Every other foundation will crumble, and is crumbling.

A few months ago I thought that if only I could have children....and now I feel like if only my husband .... but it needs to be thank you Lord for the life that you have breathed into me.

random thoughts

I barfed and had major diarrhea this morning from metformin. It is the first time I've been really sick on it. I forgot to take my morning dose and did not take any till 11pm...when I took two...I ate some peanuts with it...yikes! I need to remember to take it....I was having no problems even when eating unhealthy food. I don't want diarrhea and throw up again!

On another note the Psalms have mirrored my heart the last few days....reading about someone who experienced agony, and deliverance is soothing...

I want to grow old with you...

I like to wash your boxers...I like the smell of your cologne. I love to look into your beautiful brown eyes and thank God for giving me the most handsome sweetest guy on the planet to be my husband.

Right now I'm suffocating in pain. I don't understand what you are going through. I would do anything to take this suffering from you...and yet your pain causes me pain. Each day you let go a little more, and it scares me. I don't want to lose the gift God has given me. I want to grow old with you. I wish I was enough. I will do all that I can in my human self to love you and ask God for even more.

Today I did battle on my knees for you. I read the scrapbook I made for you as a wedding gift...I read the vows I wrote and made to you almost five years ago. I promised that, "for this marriage I will fight, daily on my knees in prayer, even when you can not do the same...."

I will fight for you daily. I will do battle on my knees for you. I will ask God to make me whole so that I can love you with all of my heart...cleaning, cooking, taking care of you even when I'm tired sick or hot. I know that I am not enough...but I pray that God would use me to show you He is enough. He is the only one that can fill your void.
I pray He allows me to grow old with you.

Is God enough?

Is God enough? If God were to allow my husband to reject me...and allow me to never have children, would God be enough? He has to be. If God is not enough then my life means nothing. He can take away everything else, but I still have Him. I don't think its fair tho...that some people have healthy happy families and right now I have so much hurt. Even if we move on from this time in our lives I will go forward with a new kind of scar on my heart, a new realization that God's love is the only permanence in our lives....and for that am I willing to give up everything else? Am I willing to live alone if that is what He asks? Am I willing to never be a mother if that is what is required of me? Am I willing to live this kind of life with joy? If my husband rejects me am I willing to pick up the pieces and continue to follow my loving savior with joy? Am I willing to trust that God knows what is best for my life even in the midst of this storm...that my God will take care of me even if my husband can not? Hebrews 13:6 "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid."

Hurting Inside

This is how I feel today. Infertility seems like nothing compared to what Jeremy and I are going through right now. I love Jeremy. If I could go back in time and choose anyone again. I would still choose to marry Jeremy...even knowing everything that would happen or not happen in the past almost five years. Jeremy is consumed with a hurt in his heart so big that he does not feel like God can fill it. He wants to fill the consuming hurt with something that would eventually destroy our marriage. I know Jeremy and know that he loves God with all his heart...but for some reason his hurt is so much right now. I want to be a mother, but more then that want my husband to see the amazing man I see in him. I want him to see that God is enough even to fill this great hurt in his life...and I also want to be enough of a wife for him....I want him to feel loved by me too.

Please pray for us today.

One Day at a Time

Right now we are focusing on US- Jeremy and I...growing in Christ. I am working on confidence, cleaning, cooking, and weight issues. He is working on his own struggles.

We are resting from actively trying. (taking fertility drugs, pursuing IUI/IVF) Jeremy will let me know when the right time is to actively try again.

I'm taking metformin still. I went to the doctor's office a few days ago and was given a prescription for 2,000 mg of metformin...I am to gradually increase my dose untill I reach the 2,000 mark.

Although we aren't actively trying we aren't preventing either...taking it day by day, waiting on the Lord's direction for our life. We'd love to have a surprise "free" miracle baby. Free meaning we didn't have to pay for fertility treatment...

I had a major breakdown a week ago, and Jeremy and a few good friends pointed out that having a baby appeared to them to be an idol in my life. I don't want it to be. God is really enough...everything else really is extra it is just painful to acknowledge that sometimes because I do want memories raising children with Jeremy, and grandchildren if God permits.

Monday morning my mom and I are going to Las Vegas, taking it one day at a time...enjoying the life that God has gifted us.

Praying about Femara

Since we are currently in a God induced break from fertility treatment I thought I'd take the time to pray about taking Femara. My gynecologist will prescribe fertility drugs to me the beginning of October. . . both he and the reproductive specialist believe we need IUI to get pregnant. Jeremy and I don't want to waste money on drugs or any procedure if it isn't what God wants for us and if it probably won't work. Will Femara work? Is it God's plan for us to concieve just using fertility drugs? What is His plan for our lives?

I don't have a job right now to pay for treatment. My doctor won't prescribe fertility drugs for at least another month. Jeremy and I are working through a major crisis in his life right now, and I am working through my eating and cleaning habits.

Knowing that today isn't the right time doesn't stop me from thinking about the future...praying about the future. Is Femara the drug for us? Do we need it? Does God want us to wait longer? Does he want us to wait until we can afford IUI? What does He want?

Please pray for God's direction with his timing for fertility treatment. Pray for God's peace with using Femara or not using it. Pray for me to utilize this time to get healthier, and work on my bad habits. Also pray for Jeremy as he works through so much hurt in his heart.

God Through Me

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by life...I see everything that needs to change in my life and I freak out. I need to lose weight, clean my house, affirm my husband, keep my house clean etc... how can I change when there is so much of me to change? Why does God want to use me when I'm so broken? How can He?

Then...I pray and am reminded of the moments where God opened the door to a new job, God opened the door to Jeremy entering my life. God healed my father of cancer. God did it not me. God knows the winning lottery numbers. He buys the ticket for you and then hands it to you. . . each and every time. Our "gifts" are truly meaningless without Him.

I am learning, slowly, but still learning, that I have something to offer this world. Strike that, not me, God through me.

Yesterday depression overwhelmed me. Yesterday I wanted to be a mother. I feel like the children of my friends provides them a common ground that I do not share with any of them. I can't bring a child on a play date, birthday party, camping trip etc... I don't know what its like to give birth to a child or even adopt a child. I only know what it is like to be barren. I praise God for my husband and the gift of marriage He has given me for almost five years now. Yesterday, I was left wanting. Thinking, if only I had a child, I would fit in with my peers.

I know that God has carved this time out for Jeremy and I to work more on our oneness...to continue to heal from our life wounds. . . to love each other more. I have not taken a pregnancy test in over two months now. I have not ovulated for much longer than that. My focus has not been on having children. It was initially on surviving Jeremy's internal struggle, job loss etc...and now the focus has become on what I can do....what I am right now....how I can love my husband more and my Christ more.

It goes back to what I learned at the woman's retreat in April. What directions did God give you last? Work on that and then the rest will be added...or work on that then ask for new directions...For me that means I need to work on loving my husband from my heart and then maybe God will provide the children...but my focus can't be on children. Even when we have children our marriage needs to be the primary focus after God.

Another good nugget from the retreat was...I can't make having children an idol in my life. I can't put having children on a pedestal. If I do then when I finally have that child I'll be depressed because that child will be human. That child will not be enough. Only God is enough.

I love Barb btw! Praise God for Barb!

Change and Waiting on God's Perfect Timing

Today I am praising God I'm not pregnant...it is soooo hot outside!!! Although I think if I was I'd blow money I don't have on a cheap window ac unit.

Right now is a time of change. . . searching for the perfect job...trusting God to provide for our finances, again. I've also come to a cross roads with my house keeping skills or lack thereof. If I don't get over my issues with this and just do it even if I'm sick or tired or hot...I may never have kids. . . I need to love my husband. I need to work on the last thing God told me to do when I asked for guidance....seek first the kingdom of God and the rest shall be added.... like babies... and a job...etc...

This season of baby showers and pregnancy announcements has been filled with so much grace. Since God's timing isn't today for us I believe that He put so many road blockers in our journey to parenthood that the only conceivable way I'd be pregnant is if he literally zapped a baby into my tummy... my body isn't working quite right, our finances are just not there while I look for work. . . we are going through counseling for various reasons. Knowing that this second isn't the right time makes it easier to go to baby shower after baby shower or see my friend's tummy's get bigger and bigger... The Lord knows what he is doing. He has a perfect plan for our family... sometimes I wish I knew what it was...but then other times I think I'd go crazy with worry if I knew all the trials that would come in my life.

Metformin and other things

Metformin has reduced my appetite significantly. The first day I felt so sick I could barely eat anything. Luckily I have been feeling better since the first day. One day at a time.

Metformin Begins

After my laparscopy I had a dream that I took metformin and it was really helpful. At this point I can't remember any details. I just remember it was a good dream. Well...that dream may become a reality because today a doctor prescribed me metformin. I am going to take 500mg to start out...and each month progressively move up to the maxium dose. Since metformin can make you super sick I am also attempting to eat a low glycemic index diet. (hehe) I actually bought fish this week! I didn't use any coupons :( since I mostly purchased produce.

Ooooh and I actually ate shrimp today. I abhore seafood, but I am trying to be healthy.

I'm not sure what God timing is for our children, but I am excited to try something new.

Red at Last

So...after ten days on provera and a few days after Aunt Flo came to visit...red at last. It seems kind of silly to be excited about having a period, but I am. It has been over 80 days since I had my last period. I am grateful for a fresh start. I still have to wait until October to start fertility meds again due to the vaccine...and that is if I have a new job to pay for it.

I sent my primary care doctor an online message about metformin, a medication taken by women with PCOS to help restore ovulation, lose weight etc...we will see what he says. He has previously been opposed to giving it to me since I do not have insulin resistance.

Right now Jeremy and I are going to counseling for various issues. Please pray for my husband to be able to sort through his hurts and confusion in his heart right now. Please pray for me to love him through this time. Also pray for me to be able to finally start being a good house keeper. I need to love my husband in this way, but for some reason I have an un-natural aversion to cleaning the house. I know noone likes it, but I seem to run further then most to not do it.

God has a plan. He knew that Jeremy and I would be going through some valleys right now and that it would be best for us to just have Him and each other right now. I am grateful for the peace of being childless, but I also look forward to the day when we hold our own children in our arms for the first time and every time after that. Pray for Jeremy and I as we go through counseling for some difficult issues. Pray that God grows us closer to him through this time. . . and continue to pray for God's blessing of children for us in his perfect time.

Another day...without a baby

Another day...weeping womb, longing for someone just out of my grasp, tiny fingers and toes... memories. I'm taking progesterone (provera) to induce my period...having PCOS is getting to me today. I know that despite this setback that my Lord will provide...I just pray it is sooner then later.

Happy 4th

Happy 4th of July...
Many of you don't know that the 4th of July is my second favorite holiday after Christmas. I love the fun, food, friends, family and fireworks. I still remember my grand mother putting two giant sparkles in the air in a V shape singing Victory in Jesus... I love my grandma B.

This year we celebrated the 4th with our community group at Kristian and Bina's place. It was a really fun day. We played games, ate great food. At one point everyone was shaming each other. Bina proposed everyone go around in a group and share what they most appreciated about their spouse. What a great idea! Jeremy is tender and compassionate. Even when I am at my worst he sees the beauty in me and helps me to see it in myself.

This aside...I still need to walk my dogs and eat healthy. I am not any closer to finishing my PCOS books and starting the PCOS diet...maybe by next time I post :)

Below are some highlights of the day.

MMR VACCINE

Thursday was an emotional day for many reasons. Friday marked the deadline for many faucets of the case I am working on as a contractor. I also met with my gyno for a post operative exam. Everything is healing nicely. He showed me pictures of my insides. We talked briefly about PCOS, taking Femara and Metformin. He thinks that taking Metformin would be beneficial even tho I do not have documented insulin resistance. This is over his head tho and I will need to talk to the endocrinlogist about actually getting a prescribtion. We talked briefly about Femara. Femara is a drug prescribed to breast cancer patients and post-menopausal women. It has recently been used to induce ovulation. It has less side effects of clomid. My doctor was willing to prescribe this even tho he has never prescribed it before, since we don't have insurance to use the RE.

Then he remembered that I needed the measles vaccine. BOO!!
Thus...I was poked with the measles mumps rubella vaccine. I was fully vaccinated as a child, but the MMR antibody wore off. When I went to the reproductive specialist in May she ordered a series of tests, one of which was to check for the MMR anti-body. Mine was negative!!!! A nurse in Everett administered the shot. She made me take ANOTHER negative pregnancy test. The needle poke didn't really hurt, but the vaccine itself stung very much.

Now my gyno wants me to wait 3 months before actively trying to get pregnant since the MMR is a live vaccine.

Flabbergasted

God is amazing...today things were stressful at the office and yet God gave me so much joy...and peace.

I am flabbergasted at how one moment the world comes crashing down around you, the tears fall, life hurts so much, you are picking up the pieces of your hearts shattered glass and in the next moment God allows your spirits to soar to the mountain tops. You never know what the next moment will bring tears or laughter...all you know is this moment. All you are guaranteed is this moment. Embrace this moment...

As to surgery recovery, today is one week since my surgery. My stomach has felt better the last two days. I can bend down without much pain. I lifted a 20 lb box today without much pain.

I received a message from my doctor today saying that I need to get re-vaccinated for Measles/Mumps/Rubella since my body no longer has the anti-body. After getting the shot we have to wait three months to try to conceive. My post operative appointment is on June 25. If I get the vaccine then I wouldn't be able to try to get pregnant until September 25. In the scheme of things three months is nothing, but it is another delay.

Jeremy is more focused on me getting a new job. I would like one too, but I'd also like some kids! (yesterday ;)

Joy in the land of crazy

Today God blessed me with much joy. I accomplished much at the contract job, but it was still a bit stressful. I am glad to be gaining more experience in my profession, and also for being able to pay the bills.

Even tho things are up in the air with my employment and fertility God has given me much joy.

This morning on the way to the office I prayed for God's discernment and peace. . . that I would know what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do. I was not perfect, but I did I left the office today, smiling. I even wanted to make Jeremy dinner, but he had already eaten by the time I got home.

I have Hope in Christ today. For today I know that I am loved, cared for. Today I am able to pay my bills. Today I have Hope that Christ will provide us children.

Still Recovering

I feel like a basketball game took place within my abdomen. I keep cramping. Today I went to the office to work on the contract case... I was so exhausted after two hours. Jeremy picked me up after four hours.

I think my pants were not helping so tomorrow I am going to wear a dress that does not catch at the waist.

P.C.O.S.

My name is Jessica...I have PCOS.

I feel like we are in a circle and I'm confessing some sort of addiction...when I'm really joining the unfortunate sisterhood of those women who have gone before me, who have and continue to live with PCOS.

Finally being diagnosed with this explains so much, the difficulty losing weight, the mood swings, lack of ovulation, increased testosterone levels etc...

We can't afford medical treatment right now, but we can afford prayer, and changes in lifestyle.

I ordered three books today to help me learn more about PCOS and change my exercise and eating habits accordingly. From what I have read on the internet the exercise part alone is what provides the most benefits.

The books I ordered are as follows

I hope these books will give me a better understanding of PCOS and empower me to make changes I can make now while we are waiting to be able to afford medical treatment. I don't have insulin resistance yet, but my blood sugar is on the high end of normal. Attempting the insulin resistance diet is def. not going to hurt anything. What is frustrating is these changes will take a while to have any affect and I want a baby now...make that yesterday :)

Also...as to the surgery...my tummy still hurts. I slept all day yesterday...literally...ALL DAY. I was planning on going into the office today (for contract work) but didn't because I was still exhausted. I didn't take any pain meds all day yesterday. I think tihs contributed to the exhaustion...so at 10am today I took a pain pill and walla not as tired and not as crampy. I have not slept since 10am and it is now 6pm. I have been sitting all day...but not snoring like yesterday. I have a day and a half of pain pills left. I plan on taking them the rest of today and tommorow. Jeremy is going to drive me to the office tommorow so I can get some work in on the case I helping on. Poor guy is going to pick me up at the end of the day too.

The good news and the bad news.

Yesterday I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy surgery. Luckily they only had to make a cut in my belly button so no new scars.

The good news is the doctor did not find any endometriosis, or fibroids...my tubes are clear.

Meaning our only diagnosed fertility issues are my lack of ovulation and hostile cervical fluid, which can be taken care of with fertility medication, IUI, and God's miraculous timing.

The bad news is the doctor did confirm I have polycystic ovaries...which means I do in fact have polyscystic ovarian syndrome.

The other bad news is we still don't know why I've been having so much pain.

Right now my tummy hurts. I'm taking lots of pain medication. I don't know how you ladies with c-sections have done this...I just have a little incision and I'm moaning and groaning. My tummy hurts!!!! My ovaries hurt! The gas they injected in me to seperate my organs for surgery hurts. I haven't taken a shower in two days... I can finally take one tonight!!!!

More about the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome... (PCOS)

It is a gynetic dis-order if your mother or sister had it you likely have it...
Most women produce one healthy strong egg each cycle and release it at ovulation...women with polycystic ovarian syndrome produce alot of small puny eggs that never get big enough to ovulate...they turn into little cysts when ovulation does not occur creating more testostorene hindering future ovulation...a vicious cycle... it makes it difficult to lose weight, puts women who have it at an increased risk for diabetes, heart attack, infertility, miscarriage etc...

Some of the symptoms decrease with weight loss...but it is more difficult to lose weight with polycystic ovarian syndrome, and there is no gurantee the symptoms will decrease with weight loss. There are plenty of skinny women that have PCOS as well.

Whenever I get a job again Jeremy and I plan on pursuing IUI...or if a creative fundraising idea strikes us...we suddenly come into money etc... Since I need fertility medication a cycle of IUI for us costs $800. Pray that God provides a miracle baby or two or three for our family, and right now for healing for my owie tummy. Praise God that our fertility issues are small compared to many women, and for God's greater purpose in our life.

The Next Step

Meet Dr. Lynn Bentley Davis, my new doctor. She is a reproductive endocrinologist ie. fertility specialist.

Today Jeremy and I finally made it to the fertility consultation.

She did not mention my weight at all. She did not pressure us. She listened to us and answered all of our questions. Again, no pressure for IVF at all. She asked us what we wanted. We told her that we really wanted to do larascopy before spending money on treatment. She agreed.

So...the next step is doing larascopy with my regular gynecologist, since the Dr. Davis is not a preferred provider with my insurance and larascopy is a covered medical procedure under my insurance. I have an appointment with my gynecologist, Dr. Andre to discuss larascopy...at which time I should be scheduling the surgery. Pray for me. I am really scared.
Going into Dr. Davis' office today I felt so vulnerable. Admiting I have a problem...taking the next step and wanting to make sure this is what God wants and not just what we want.

As part of larascopy they are also going to check my tubes and uterus so I won't need to do the dye flush test. Yeah!!!

For those of you who don't know Larascopy is exploratory surgery. They will be making two small cuts in my abdomen and inserting a camera into the hole. They will be checking for endometriosis and if they find it will laser as much as they can away. This is the only way to actually verify the exsistance or lack of endometriosis.

After the surgery we are suppose to do one natural cycle to allow time to recover then clomid with IUI including monitoring.

Another good thing is that it is going to be way cheaper then we thought it would be with ultrasound monitoring clomid and everything... only $800ish...we thought it was going to be $1,500, so we are very encouraged. She says I can do two cycles with clomid and then would recomend either trying a lateral drug like femara or maybe injections.

She was very positive she said that even if we have endometriosis she still thinks we can do IUI and be sucessful. I'm amazed at how my experience was so much better then my expectation.

We plan on starting IUI now in about Augustish timeframe. . . since we need to save up money again.

In the mean time I am currently experiencing disabling back pain and pelvic pain mid and end of cycle. It is so bad that I can barely walk. This is the biggest reason we want to do larascopy. The doctor says the fertility benefits are not very good but the pain benefits are worth it if it is endometriosis.

God is a big big God.

Not quite the biggest loser but def. a start.

Today starts week four of my weight watcher journey. . . and a total of 7.2 lbs lost!!! Woohooey. I started at 260.2 and am now at 253.0. I asked the lady if her scale was broken today.

I'm still having random pelvic pain and also some stomach pain. I wish I knew what was causing it.

Goolash Post

My niece had her 1st birthday party this Saturday. She will actually turn one on Tuesday. Her birthday party was super cute. Her mom and grandma did a really good job.

I read bits and pieces of a book this morning that talked about even when you have children you never really get over infertility...it is always a part of you. . . especially if you end up adopting and never have biological children. I never really thought about this. I always knew it would be hard to make the step to adopt, but didn't think about how I'd continue to grieve the loss of having biological children. It does make sense tho.

Jeremy said its not fair that some of our friends get pregnant so easy and we keep waiting. He doesn't talk much about infertility. He tries to focus on what we do have, and we do have alot. It was good for me to see that sometimes he struggles too with this even tho he doesn't talk about it much.

We spent all the money we had saved for our first IUI treatment. Just here and there...nothing really major. I'm not sure how we'll have the money in time, but God will provide away. We are definetly not struggling for money at the moment. We just have not made very wise choices. . . part of the reason is shopping has given me something to take my mind off being barren...

As to my cycle...provera finally worked and I'm on day three of a brand new cycle...meaning Aunt Flo is here!!!! I'm not taking any fertility drugs again this cycle. Pray that I ovulate anyways and we have a healthy baby (babies :) implant despite all our health issues. Haha...seriously would be the biggest miracle if we got pregnant and stayed pregnant...with his sperm, my lack of cervical fluid, my ovulation issues, and potential endrometriosis...God has done bigger tho (curing my dad of cancer) He has been cancer free for a year now! Praise the Lord!

We have our specialist consultation in 2.5 weeks. Pray for God's direction and guidance. Pray for a natural miracle(s) to still occur. Pray for God's provision for treatment and medication money...they we are good stewards of that money when it arrives. . . Mostly for God's will to be done in our lives.

The Yo Yo Life

Today I did not go to work. I couldn't. I woke up feeling nauseous, tired, and grieving...any one of these things in themselves would not have propelled me to put my wonderful new job in jeopardy...but together I just couldn't go today. . . the thought of having to face the world today was too much... I kept thinking of the baby shower last night, all the pregnant women, learning that one of my dear friends is pregnant...a reminder of my empty womb...Out of all the women there I believe only myself and another friend were not pregnant or have kids already...

I kept thinking, Lord...you have the power, you have the power to do anything...even with all my problems. . .

I cried all day long. . . then Jeremy played yahtzee with me and I laughed so much, and helped snap me out of my self pity....hopefully tomorrow will start fresh and I will wake up feeling great and excited to go to my awesome job.

sad

I want it to be my turn.

Remembering Oscar

April 11, 2009 was suppose to be his due date. We would have been holding him/her in our arms this weekend. We would have been parents.

Now our arms are empty and our hearts grieve our son/daughter.

I remember last August. For two days in a row my pregnancy test was positive. I had never in my life had a positive pregnancy test before. We were cautious. We didn't let ourselves get excited...Then we went to the doctor's office to take a blood test. She was very positive. Her excitement rubbed off on us. She said to eat fruits and veggies...she told us my due date. She asked what Doctor I wanted to deliver my baby.

That night I had the most terrible abdominal pains I've had ever (and that says something for me). I knew something was wrong. When the Doctor called the next day to tell us the blood test was negative...I already "knew" we had lost Oscar. The next day I started the heaviest period I have ever had in my life. It was only a day late. If I had never tested early I would have never known about Oscar. . . but I did and for a few short days I was going to be a mom. We were going to be parents. Jeremy was more excited then I was.

After Oscar left us I asked Jeremy if we could name our child. So ....we named our child Oscar. . . and today we remember our little angel in heaven-Oscar.

At the Base of the Mountain

Last week I felt like I was staring at a mountain of laundry...only the "laundry" was my various life struggles- infertility, weight, cleaning habits etc...

I stopped taking the cough syrup because it tasted sooo gross and didn't seem to be working. I didn't ovulate this month. I started taking provera a few days ago.

I stopped doing body for life three days into it. I have yet to take herbs...

Last week I felt like there was no end to the amount of "life laundry" I needed to go through. I was overwhelmed, particuarly with my eating habits. I felt like I kept giving into to my food addictions. I didn't have the self control to stick with something. I knew I needed help outside of myself. I thought...well what do alcoholics do? They go to support meetings. I knew I tried to go to weight watchers with my friend Carrie around two years ago...I stopped going after a month.

Despite the previous failure I felt the need to try...I needed to be around other people that had my problem...and more importantly people that have overcome my problem.

Last Wednesday I went to my first weight watcher meeting. I weighed 260.2 lbs. Even after that meeting I did not commit to the plan until this Monday. I thought that I'd gain weight or stay the same since I've only been doing the plan for three days now.

However, I was tickled when the weigh in lady announced that I had lost 2.6 lbs.

My first goal is to lose 5% of my starting body weight. To meet this goal I need to lose a total of 13 lbs and be 247.2 lbs. . . meaning I need to lose 11ish more lbs.

My next goal after that would be to reach a total loss of 10% of my starting body weight- 26lbs lost, and a weight of 221.2.

There is alot of research showing that losing just 10% of your body weight can provide a TON of health benefits, including increasing fertility. Yeah!


As for our infertility.... Jeremy is still taking fertilaid for men.

I have a consultation on April 29th to discuss laroscopy to rule out endometriosis. I've had so much pain the last few cycles I am starting to think that either I have endometriosis or something else. I pray I don't have it because it would make getting pregnant even more difficult....not anything God can not overcome tho.

We are aiming for IUI in June, depending on when we can do laroscopy.

I'm going to call and make a consultation with the infertility specialist for some time in May. . . to be in line with June...

June for alot of reasons. . . The biggest reason is health. Jeremy and I want to eat healthy for at least 12 consistant weeks. Weight loss is a plus, but is not our primary goal. The second reason is to save money (another thing I've been bad with....) The final reason is I've had peace about June...not necessarily this June, but June...I'm not sure if I'll get pregnant in June, give birth in June of 2010... I just keep thinking June has significance in our journey to have a child/children.... last year I heard very clearly I was going to have kids in June...so the time frame for getting pregnant to have kids this June passed...and I thought God didn't keep his promise... so maybe its this June...or the next June...or maybe I'm just crazy :)

All in all this week is better then last week. I feel like I have finally started to climb the mountain of life laundry.

Cough Syrup

Cough syrup is suppose to help increase quality cervical mucus. Since this is one of my fertility problems I decided to try it. I hate cough syrup tho so this should be interesting. I get to take this three times a day until after I ovulate :) I wasn't going to do anything until we did IUI but I bought this on a whim at the grocery store today. God knows if it will work or not :)

You'll find out if a baby or two come of it.

The Twelve Week Plan

1. Change Diet & Excercise:

- For the next 12 weeks Jeremy and I will be doing body for life. We did this before we got married and I lost 40 lbs in 8 weeks...


2. Vitamins: Jeremy will be taking fertilaid for men for the next 12 weeks. This is suppose to help make his swimmers stronger
In addition to my prenatal vitamins I will also be taking vitex and red clover.

3. IUI:

Jeremy just got an unexpected bonus from work (PRAISE GOD) so we plan on scheduling our first iui in 12 weeks. For those of you who don't know...iui is when the dr. washes your husband's sperm sample and injects the good sperm into you ideally around the time you ovulate since washed sperm can only surrive around 8 hours.

Jeremy and I will be praying about God's plan through this time, and afterwards whatever happens. Right now Jeremy only wants to do one IUI. He says if the iui treatment is not sucessful that he wants to save for IVF...which could take us forever and a day :) It is at LEAST $15,000. Not pocket change for us. However, if God leads us through our time of prayer to do more IUI treatments, or no treatments...or hopefully getting pregnant before treatment or pregnant through iui we will obviously be open to what God wants whatever that means.

For now we have a 12 week plan. It should be an interesting ride.

Answered Prayer

I'm not pregnant, I don't even know if I'll ever get to be pregnant... for now I am thanking God for the prayers he has answered.

Last Monday I broke down on the way home from speaking to a legal recruiter. I told God that I was jobless and childless...that the doctor said I needed IUI to get pregnant and I could not do IUI until I got a job...with the job market the way it is I felt hopeless. I also mentioned to God that my husband would not let us start the adoption process until after we try IUI AND IVF. He really really wants his own biological child. . . So do I, but I think I mostly want to be a mother.

Well...right when I got home I plugged in my cell phone and on my voice mail was a job offer. I took it of course.

So even tho I am still childless, I am no longer jobless. Praise God! Which means...that in addition to not having to forclose on our house, we will begin saving for the consultation and first IUI treatment.

I am not sure how I'll fit infertility treatment into a new job, but I know God will work it out.

This cycle we are taking off fertility drugs again. Maybe we won't even need IUI :)

BOO Aunt FLO go away come back in nine months, OK?

Soo...my period started today. BOO!!! What is crazy is that for the first time in forever I have yet to cry over her coming.

Why? I'm not quite sure...a big reason is that I'm sooo super excited over starting my new job that I have not even thought about the sorrow of what I don't have this month.

Praise the Lord for the joy that he brings.

LOVE

"I have found the one whom my soul loves" Song of Solomon 3:4

Jeremy is amazing. I am so blessed to be married to him. Today he told me that even if we have to give up the internet to pay for daycare he would rather have a baby now then later. Those of you who know him know what a big deal that statement is. My husband...the computer guru would rather give up the internet then not have a baby.


I love you Jeremy! I know I don't show you enough, but I am very blessed to be married to you.

Baby Names

Much before Jeremy and I started trying to get pregnant we had our baby names picked out. There have been times when I have tried to deviate from our planned names and he insists that these are our kids names. :)

We wanted a letter theme...I liked alot of E names....so we intend to have all of our children's names start with E. I'm a matchy matchy kind of person.

Girl Names:

1. Eleanor Lorraine (Lorraine is my middle name and my mother's middle name...we thought it would be special to continue on the family tradition for our first daughter). Eleanor...because I love the name...it means Light...and Lorraine means battle....Light in Battle...I forsee my future daughter being a light in battle for the souls of men and women.

2. Eternity Faith- This isn't a family name...but our faith is very important to both of us and we thought it would be neat to have a daughter that exemplies this in her name...the middle name is not set in stone....we also like Grace.

3. Elenia Grace- We have a close family friend named Eleni. I just love her name and Jeremy likes the addition of the a sound.

BOY NAMES

1. Ezekiel Jeremy- Jeremy wants his first son to have his first name as his middle name since Jeremy's middle name is Kirk (his dad's first name). I love the name Ezekiel...a prophet in the old testemant. Not alot of boys have this name...We'd call him Zeek has a nickname.

2. Elijah Jesse- If we have more then one boy we would like this to be his name. Jesse was my grandpa's first name...He was a very special influence in my life and is now with the Lord. I would like to honor him in this small way.

3. Entrari - this is a name of one of Jeremy's everquest (online game) characters...we like the way it sounds.

Now we just need the babies to go with the names. My entire life I grew up praying that I'd have ALL girls. After we started trying I had a dream that we were going to have two boys and one girl. God has given me a strong desire to have a boy first...which is totally wierd considering that I grew up not wanting any boys... (had a crazy brother).

I'll be happy with healthy babies :)

Peeonastickaholic

So...Jeremy says I need to get some serious help! :) Almost every cycle I start peeing on a stick at 7dpo when normal people just barely start getting a positive test at 10dpo....and most people not untill 14dpo or more...I want to KNOW if I am haha.... I know it won't be positive untill God wants us to know...but I still pee...This cycle I peed on a stick at 6dpo lol and then at 8dpo and today at 9dpo.

Up untill 11dpo I am still totally happy with a negative test...but after that I break down and cry if its negative. I become depressed for almost an entire week...and then by the end of my menstral cycle I stop dwelling on it and move on with my life...This happens every cycle tho. Jeremy asked me if I'll be sad this cycle if I'm not pregnant. I said, "Of course...but I'll get over it and move on with my life." I know God has a plan for us. I really pray that means pregnancy this cycle and a healthy baby November 2009. If I was pregnant this cycle we'd be due November 5th 2009.

I will hold the stick up in the air trying to imagine a line there...like if I imagine a line there it means I am pregnant haha... I think you can always see an imaginary line if you really want to.

Jeremy says I need a support group for this addiction...

Waivering Faith

Symptoms, lack of symptoms, 14 months of failed cycles...discouraged..

On the way home from my parents home in Puyallup last night I cried out to God.

We've been trying and trying with no end in sight. Jeremy does not want to adopt until we exhaust all possible fertility options , including IUI and IVF. My doctor believes that we need to do something else, IUI or IVF unless God does a major miracle in our life....

I'm unemployed...we are struggling to pay our regular bills let alone save for treatment even the minimal amount for treatment.

I believe my God is very BIG and can do anything....but I read horrible stories about women that have multiple still births...multiple miscarriages, never have children biological or adopted...Who am I to say that I deserve better then what these women have recieved?

I want to be a mother so very much, but sometimes, days like today it is difficult to see past the struggle...see past the unknown and trust that my God wants to take care of my needs. . . my need of becoming a mother.

I'm becoming the crazy dog person that treats her dogs like kids... If I had a job I'd probaly stick my dogs in daycare. I love my dogs...I compare them to peoples kids...and they aren't kids...but they are the closest thing I have to kids.

I don't understand why some people have children and some people don't...some people have terrible struggles and others don't. I hate the sin that makes our world imperfect.

I hate having pregnancy like symptoms every cycle...because of the changing hormones and then not being pregnant....being nauseous, sick,tired etc...would be nothing if I had the promise of a baby in 9ish months... but being nauseous, sick and tired and not knowing whether you are pregnant is no fun.

Please pray for me today to find joy in the Lord and trust in His incredible will for my life whether I am pregnant this cycle ...in the future...or even if God doesn't want children for us.

I don't want to keep feeling like my life won't start untill I become a mother. . . God has a plan for me now that till this point has not included my own children...hopefully soon it does...but I want to not be consumed by the what ifs and focus on today, right now what God has already blessed me with...Why is it so difficult to do this?

and why is it so difficult to believe that God wants to bless me?

Prayer Chair

My husband put a chair in our nursery so I could be more comfortable when I pray. How sweet is that?

I usually use an exercise ball when I pray in the nursery, and more often then not pray in our living room. I don't pray enough, but in the moments when my tears are the most I pray. . . and pray and pray.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty! He is the provider of all things great and all things small.

nausea

6 days past ovulation today. After I left Abbey's I started feeling very nauseous and lightheaded. I'm going to bed early tonight. I would love for this to be a "good" sign, but it is still to early to tell, and I've had lots of "symptoms" before without being pregnant. I am confident that when God wants me to be pregnant it will happen. He has the power to move mountains...we just have to ask with the right heart. I am praying for a child so I can love it and nurture him/her to love the Lord...I've been praying for twins, but I'll be happy with just one healthy one too.

5 days past ovulation

Today is five days past ovulation. Nine more days before my period is due. . .Today I had five or six uterine contractions...very short in duration, maybe a second or two...very sharp. Jeremy said you shouldn't have contractions without being pregnant. I called the doctor and the nurse said this was normal. I hate when pain is normal. . . but I suppose it would be worse if it was not.

Two Weeks Waiting, again.

This cycle is fourteen months of trying..fourteen months of waiting....fourteen months of hopes deferred and deferred and deferred. Jeremy says I'm not patient, enough...and maybe I'm not...I seem to be ok most of the time, but at random moments or the end of a failed cycle I get sad.

I am currently in this cycle's two weeks waiting. . . 4 days past ovulation.... Praise God I ovulated again. We had sex around the right times...I laid on my back for at least twenty minutes afterwords...but then we've done everything humanly possible before and still remain barren...

Right now everything hurts...my boobs hurt, my back hurts, my ovaries hurt, my female organs hurt...

The worst thing about two weeks waiting is the possibility you could be pregnant, and the fear that you are not pregnant yet another cycle. . . and if you are pregnant you want to avoid certain activities...and you wish you knew one way or the other so you could engage in those activities...like having a glass of wine.

Wheat Germ

New this cycle is whet germ softgel tablets. My grandmother sent them to me. She tried for five years to get pregnant with her first child. A friend of hers recommended wheat germ, and after the first cycle of taking it she was pregnant with my Uncle Larry.

I am not sure how wheat germ is supposed to affect fertility. I have not found anything online addressing wheat germ and fertility. However, I have noticed this cycle that I have had much more cervical fluid since taking it.

I don't know if the increased fluid is from the wheatgerm or that God is using it to increase my fluid...

It is strange too, since I am on clomid this cycle, and in past months clomid has dried me up more then usual. Maybe...the vitamin E in wheat germ helps to increase a women's fluid? This would be an interesting science project if I was in to science.

Even if it didn't affect my fertility, I would recommend wheat germ for the added health benefits.

Hurt by Joy

I am a sick person...I am a person who impulsively cries on hearing a pregnancy announcement. This is news that generally normal human people are happy over. . . and I am. I love babies...

Yet like clockwork each time I hear another pregnancy announcement I cry. I can't help it. It triggers an ache deep within my soul. It crushes my spirit. . . like a kick below the belt. I can't prepare for it.

I have a bandaid covering the hurt most of the time. . . a pregnancy announcement, baby shower, baby like words/news, re-open the wound.

I want so much for it to be my turn to share the "Big News". I want to be pregnant. I want to be the ONE with a beautiful human life or two growing inside of me. Then my mom reminds me that someday, when I am able to share my own news of pregnancy...my news will bring the same pain that others joy brings me now.

Lord Jehovah, please help my first reaction to pregnancy in others to be joy and not sorrow. Help me to be able to look beyond myself and share the joy of my friends and family. Help me to be a blessing to others in ways I would not be if I were a mother myself. Help me to show my husband that I love him even if we never have our own children. Help us both together to love you with all of our hearts. Amen.

Bubble Baths

This is the first "two weeks waiting" I've ever had, that doesn't seem to be slowly crawling by.

I have been in so much pain the last few days my focus has been on NOT being in pain anymore. I usually avoid anything a pregnant women should avoid during my two weeks waiting period. . . including bubble baths. However, my pain the last few days has been so great I had a bath twice. I might even have one tonight. I know the heat can potentially jeopardize a growing baby...but I have not been pregnant in over a year of trying...and if I never get pregnant I can't indefinitely live two weeks a cycle not taking baths, pain killers, drinking caffeine, not eating blue cheese dressing, lunch meat etc... There has to be some balance.

I think ordinarily I'll adhere to my strict two weeks waiting policy...but when taking a bubble bath relieves so much pain, and I'm not sure whether I am pregnant or not...I am going to henceforth take a bubble bath.

Another Friend

Today, Sunday, I learned that yet another of my friends is pregnant. I'm so happy for her. . . even tho my face doesn't show it right now. I broke down and cried, again!

I thought I was beyond crying at pregnancy announcements. This week God has been teaching me to be content with what I do have...to not focus on what I don't have- children. I may never be a mother...I really don't believe that. I really believe that eventually my husband and I will have children...but for now it seems like just a dream.

This week I have been so content with my husband and my dogs. I've let myself become enamored with the joy my two standard poodles have brought into my life. . . but when I read my friends beautiful news my world came crashing down around me.

I want to be the one to share that news, my own news.

I'm not getting my hopes up. We aren't trying any fertility treatments right now. We won't till I get a job. I am not using ovulation kits again until we do start treatments. I kind of know the time frame when I would ovulate if I do. "Trying" is too stressful to do day in and day out. I needed a break, especially since our chances of getting pregnant naturally are smaller then the average person. . . although not impossible.

I have a prescription of clomid in my purse to use after I get my root canal, and after the doctor figures out why I've been so tired and why my back has been hurting so much. I don't want to use it until everything is right...not that timing is ever perfect, and not that God needs a fertility drug. But 100 mg of clomid costs $50 and the doctor visit to get it costs $200...nothing really as far as fertility treatment costs...but more then we can really afford without me having a job.

Hopefully, in a few hours, I will be myself again and will go back to being joyful for what I do have, an amazing husband, beautiful dogs, a house, a car, and most of all a God that has a perfect plan for my life.