Not quite the biggest loser but def. a start.

Today starts week four of my weight watcher journey. . . and a total of 7.2 lbs lost!!! Woohooey. I started at 260.2 and am now at 253.0. I asked the lady if her scale was broken today.

I'm still having random pelvic pain and also some stomach pain. I wish I knew what was causing it.

Goolash Post

My niece had her 1st birthday party this Saturday. She will actually turn one on Tuesday. Her birthday party was super cute. Her mom and grandma did a really good job.

I read bits and pieces of a book this morning that talked about even when you have children you never really get over infertility...it is always a part of you. . . especially if you end up adopting and never have biological children. I never really thought about this. I always knew it would be hard to make the step to adopt, but didn't think about how I'd continue to grieve the loss of having biological children. It does make sense tho.

Jeremy said its not fair that some of our friends get pregnant so easy and we keep waiting. He doesn't talk much about infertility. He tries to focus on what we do have, and we do have alot. It was good for me to see that sometimes he struggles too with this even tho he doesn't talk about it much.

We spent all the money we had saved for our first IUI treatment. Just here and there...nothing really major. I'm not sure how we'll have the money in time, but God will provide away. We are definetly not struggling for money at the moment. We just have not made very wise choices. . . part of the reason is shopping has given me something to take my mind off being barren...

As to my cycle...provera finally worked and I'm on day three of a brand new cycle...meaning Aunt Flo is here!!!! I'm not taking any fertility drugs again this cycle. Pray that I ovulate anyways and we have a healthy baby (babies :) implant despite all our health issues. Haha...seriously would be the biggest miracle if we got pregnant and stayed pregnant...with his sperm, my lack of cervical fluid, my ovulation issues, and potential endrometriosis...God has done bigger tho (curing my dad of cancer) He has been cancer free for a year now! Praise the Lord!

We have our specialist consultation in 2.5 weeks. Pray for God's direction and guidance. Pray for a natural miracle(s) to still occur. Pray for God's provision for treatment and medication money...they we are good stewards of that money when it arrives. . . Mostly for God's will to be done in our lives.

The Yo Yo Life

Today I did not go to work. I couldn't. I woke up feeling nauseous, tired, and grieving...any one of these things in themselves would not have propelled me to put my wonderful new job in jeopardy...but together I just couldn't go today. . . the thought of having to face the world today was too much... I kept thinking of the baby shower last night, all the pregnant women, learning that one of my dear friends is pregnant...a reminder of my empty womb...Out of all the women there I believe only myself and another friend were not pregnant or have kids already...

I kept thinking, Lord...you have the power, you have the power to do anything...even with all my problems. . .

I cried all day long. . . then Jeremy played yahtzee with me and I laughed so much, and helped snap me out of my self pity....hopefully tomorrow will start fresh and I will wake up feeling great and excited to go to my awesome job.

sad

I want it to be my turn.

Remembering Oscar

April 11, 2009 was suppose to be his due date. We would have been holding him/her in our arms this weekend. We would have been parents.

Now our arms are empty and our hearts grieve our son/daughter.

I remember last August. For two days in a row my pregnancy test was positive. I had never in my life had a positive pregnancy test before. We were cautious. We didn't let ourselves get excited...Then we went to the doctor's office to take a blood test. She was very positive. Her excitement rubbed off on us. She said to eat fruits and veggies...she told us my due date. She asked what Doctor I wanted to deliver my baby.

That night I had the most terrible abdominal pains I've had ever (and that says something for me). I knew something was wrong. When the Doctor called the next day to tell us the blood test was negative...I already "knew" we had lost Oscar. The next day I started the heaviest period I have ever had in my life. It was only a day late. If I had never tested early I would have never known about Oscar. . . but I did and for a few short days I was going to be a mom. We were going to be parents. Jeremy was more excited then I was.

After Oscar left us I asked Jeremy if we could name our child. So ....we named our child Oscar. . . and today we remember our little angel in heaven-Oscar.

At the Base of the Mountain

Last week I felt like I was staring at a mountain of laundry...only the "laundry" was my various life struggles- infertility, weight, cleaning habits etc...

I stopped taking the cough syrup because it tasted sooo gross and didn't seem to be working. I didn't ovulate this month. I started taking provera a few days ago.

I stopped doing body for life three days into it. I have yet to take herbs...

Last week I felt like there was no end to the amount of "life laundry" I needed to go through. I was overwhelmed, particuarly with my eating habits. I felt like I kept giving into to my food addictions. I didn't have the self control to stick with something. I knew I needed help outside of myself. I thought...well what do alcoholics do? They go to support meetings. I knew I tried to go to weight watchers with my friend Carrie around two years ago...I stopped going after a month.

Despite the previous failure I felt the need to try...I needed to be around other people that had my problem...and more importantly people that have overcome my problem.

Last Wednesday I went to my first weight watcher meeting. I weighed 260.2 lbs. Even after that meeting I did not commit to the plan until this Monday. I thought that I'd gain weight or stay the same since I've only been doing the plan for three days now.

However, I was tickled when the weigh in lady announced that I had lost 2.6 lbs.

My first goal is to lose 5% of my starting body weight. To meet this goal I need to lose a total of 13 lbs and be 247.2 lbs. . . meaning I need to lose 11ish more lbs.

My next goal after that would be to reach a total loss of 10% of my starting body weight- 26lbs lost, and a weight of 221.2.

There is alot of research showing that losing just 10% of your body weight can provide a TON of health benefits, including increasing fertility. Yeah!


As for our infertility.... Jeremy is still taking fertilaid for men.

I have a consultation on April 29th to discuss laroscopy to rule out endometriosis. I've had so much pain the last few cycles I am starting to think that either I have endometriosis or something else. I pray I don't have it because it would make getting pregnant even more difficult....not anything God can not overcome tho.

We are aiming for IUI in June, depending on when we can do laroscopy.

I'm going to call and make a consultation with the infertility specialist for some time in May. . . to be in line with June...

June for alot of reasons. . . The biggest reason is health. Jeremy and I want to eat healthy for at least 12 consistant weeks. Weight loss is a plus, but is not our primary goal. The second reason is to save money (another thing I've been bad with....) The final reason is I've had peace about June...not necessarily this June, but June...I'm not sure if I'll get pregnant in June, give birth in June of 2010... I just keep thinking June has significance in our journey to have a child/children.... last year I heard very clearly I was going to have kids in June...so the time frame for getting pregnant to have kids this June passed...and I thought God didn't keep his promise... so maybe its this June...or the next June...or maybe I'm just crazy :)

All in all this week is better then last week. I feel like I have finally started to climb the mountain of life laundry.